Madness
by piratequeen24
Summary: "I, I can't get these memories out of my mind, and some kind of madness has started to evolve. I, I tried so hard to let you go, but some kind of madness is swallowing me whole"
1. Addiction

**_A/N:_** Hey guys! Welcome to the beginning of what has ended up being a rather long undertaking. I've typed about 40 pages in less than two weeks just because I got so into this story and it's still not finished- who needs to do homework? ha.  
Inspired by the **FANTASTIC **Muse song _**Madness**__,_ each chapter will be inspired by a section of song - my twist on a song-fic ;)

General warning: some smexy stuff and language, possible OOC-ness though I try my best to avoid it (it is AU sooo...)

Here follows a Grimm/Ichi story that I've become rather fond of.

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**Chapter 1, Prologue - Addiction**

_"(Ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma... )"  
_  
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He is bad for me, I know that.

Yet, like a moth to the flame, I surrender my will to his.

His aura captivates me, and I can't turn away. Pulled in by pure magnetism. The grin, the laughter, the sex appeal…

And the sex.

I am weak for him, deliciously weak to his touch. I melt so easily, bend to his will when he tosses a single, lingering look in my direction.

Dangerous, he's burning away at me until all that is left is a scorched heap of lust. Need. Craving.

Incomplete, I now only feel whole when he is touching me.

He passes me a joint from his seat next to me on the couch, fingers brushing mine and I fight a shiver. He sits so close that our legs are touching from hip to knee. Or maybe I sat myself that close.

Maybe it's just sheer magnetism.

It's impossible to tell who sought out the other first, how this all started. Neither of us could remember if we were asked, but sometimes I felt like the only one affected. Maybe my will is weak, maybe I felt alone for so long and he just filled some mindless need in me that I wasn't aware needed filling.

I took a long pull from the joint, sighing as the smoke curled slowly out in a white puff.

He consumed me in a way no person ever should.

I passed the joint to my left and as Renji took it from my fingers I turned, leaning to my right.

"Grimm," I purred in his ear, no longer able to resist the constant draw to him.

He had turned me into a kitten- his sex kitten, he had laughingly pointed out to me months ago. At first I had been offended, embarrassed, but I eventually learned the power a sex kitten could wield. I didn't complain anymore.

Grimmjow shot me a scorching look, hand creeping over to stroke with a perfected laziness along my thigh. I let it linger for a moment before I stood and turned to walk toward his bedroom.

I tossed a glance over my shoulder as I left, I watching in satisfaction as Grimm visibly fought the urge to jump after me.

I heard our friends mutter something and laugh, but I was too far gone to register that I should have been embarrassed.

I knew from experience that he'd draw it out, torture himself by sitting in the other room and wondering what I was up to in his room. No use denying it, I get…naughty, when I'm high.

Should I wait for him in bed until he was done heightening the suspense? Maybe I should get started without him?

I purred at the thought, imagining him striding into the room with purpose like he always did. Imagining that look of pure, blazing lust in his eyes when his control would finally snap, sending a small shiver of pleasure down my spine.

I adjusted myself roughly in my pants and contemplated my options. I glanced around his room, eyes settling on the door to the bathroom.

The shower, definitely the shower.

When I was sighing with pleasure under the warm spray of water, deliberately ignoring the growing need between my thighs, I heard the bedroom door open and close firmly. Smiling to myself, I turned to face the door that connected the bathroom to the bedroom. I waited in anticipation. Still staring through the glass of the shower door, I leaned back against the wall behind me and parted my legs slightly. Somewhere in between aggressive and submissive, I knew Grimm would experience the same thrill of anticipation hunting me down as I did waiting for him to find me.

Obviously the shower wasn't really a hiding place, and I didn't mind at all that he found me quickly.

His eyes, those scorching, azure eyes, met mine the minute he entered the bathroom. I couldn't help the shiver this time as I watched him rake his gaze up and down my body; I let a hand caress the side of one of my torso seductively and watched his eyes follow, captured by my movement.

"Ichigo." His voice rumbled, low and seductive as he strode toward me with an animal grace I had come to expect. Though on a daily basis he almost never used my name, always strawberry or some other teasing nickname, he used my real name when we had sex. The effect it had on my body was that of one throwing gasoline on a fire, it inflamed the desire in a rush.

Grimmjow was still staring at me as he stopped right in front of the glass, slowly stripping the clothes off his body. As I watched the strategic baring of his sculpted, athletic body I couldn't stop my feet from carrying me to the glass that separated us.

I felt a bit like an animal in a cage, watching him behind the shower door and caged in by the three other tile walls. It was wonderfully erotic, and I enjoyed the display while it lasted, eyes devouring every exposed piece of his gorgeous tanned flesh. When Grimm was equally naked, he walked up and placed his palm on the glass over mine, then curled his fingers to scratch down the glass with a predatory smile that gave me the most delicious chills.

Animal really was the best description I could use for our sex life. So raw, carnal, possessive.

I backed up so he could open the door, and as he slipped in to join me I ended our teasing game. Closing the space between us, I moved until our bodies melded together; heat to heat, chest to chest, face to face.

Lips a scant inch apart, I let my breath puff across his face as I admired the slow running water that was beginning to drip down his face. Blue hair darkened slowly to an unnamable color and eyes heated, Grimmjow's hands latched to my hips and yanked until there wasn't a breath of air, or a drip of water, between us.

Still, our faces remained apart, and I groaned. So much for ending the teasing. It was the same contest we always had. Who would give in to the almost irresistible urge to seek pleasure from the other first? Who would make the first move, initiate the first kiss or the first grind?

I almost always lost.

Unsurprisingly, I lost again this time as I rotated my hips just a fraction against his, thoughtless in my craving to alleviate some of the overflowing tension I had been boasting since I'd entered the shower.

Grimmjow groaned and his face snapped down as he claimed my lips, moving to rake his nails across my back and down to my butt before yanking me up so that my legs wrapped around his waist. He spun us quickly, moving my back to a wall, and pulled back just a breath from my lips as the water pounded his back.

I gazed into his eyes, captivated, and they flashed their matching need. He leaned down to nibble at my lips, tugging harshly at my bottom lip with his teeth before sucking it into his mouth. I could almost feel the blood pulsing in my lip when he stopped, could feel its flushed red color and burning heat even in the steaming shower stall.

He leaned in to rest his forehead against mine and smiled ruthlessly.

"Ichi, ya make my blood boil in the most delicious way." He purred, though his purr was less sex-kitten and more starving animal ready to feast.

"The feeling is mutual." I groaned, arching into him and grinding our arousal together where they met between our hips. His eyes closed for a brief moment, and then the water was off and I was being carried to his massive bed.

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It had all started months ago. Friend groups had blended when I'd taken up smoking weed with a friend of mine to unwind.

However, releasing tension didn't necessarily equate to me relaxing, so to speak. Smoking never really relaxed me. Instead it had brought about my twisted, unhealthily addicting relationship with Grimmjow Jaegerjaques. My release was him.

I wanted to blame smoking for our relationship, for the madness that consumed me around him, but I knew that it wasn't true. It was just a stupid to lie I tried to make myself feel better about how quickly I'd succumbed. It may have opened the door, but Grimmjow had nurtured this lustful creature inside me, and I'd willingly been swept up by him.

I had bended easily to his every whim, because I was addicted to him.

Irrevocably addicted.

Lustfully, dreamily and happily addicted.

Pathetically and dangerously addicted.

And completely lost.

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_**A/N:**_ Review and I'll love you forever. Don't review and I'll still love you, but it will fade with time. ha.


	2. Withdrawal

_**A/N:**_ Next chapter up promptly! Don't expect it to be this quick normally, because finals week is coming and I'm expecting it to kick my ass.  
Side note, I feel like a lot of you were expecting me to take it a different direction after the first chapter, so I'm curious to see what you think...

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**Chapter 2 - Withdrawal**

_"I, I can't get these memories out of my mind,  
And some kind of madness has started to evolve."_

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Pain is weakness leaving the body. My idiot father had told me that for years when he'd attacked me every morning before breakfast- whether he'd been saying it for my benefit or his, I'll never know, though I'd usually ended up hurting him more than he hurt me.

Regardless, that piece of wisdom had ended up getting me through some of the roughest months in my life.

Withdrawal is a bitch, and not the kind that has her moments, but the kind that rears her ugly face every day just so that you never forget she's there.

Trust me, I couldn't have forgotten if I'd tried. Which I did.

Try, that is.

Grimmjow and I had gotten into a nasty fight my last year of college. We fought from time to time, about random things, simply because we were both blindly stubborn and of volatile tempers.

And had raging jealousy issues.

He had accused me of being too 'uptight' when I hadn't smoked yet one evening, blaming my sobriety for the anger that had flamed when another woman had touched him flirtatiously while we were out. Maybe I had over-reacted, but the argument and who was right or wrong ceased to matter the minute I heard him say that. It was then I had finally, finally realized how dangerous my dependency had become.

Whether I had been more worried about my dependency on Grimmjow or my perpetual high, I wasn't sure, but it inspired my attempt to quit both cold-turkey.

One, unsurprisingly, had been much easier on me than the other.

Renji and I had been the only of the group who were still in college, and the minute we graduated I disappeared. I moved to the city, bought an apartment on my own, and took a gamble on my own private rehab.

I tried to remove everything that had been my life for the past year, anything that reminded me of weed or Grimmjow.

I tried to move on.

During those months I never dreamed about weed. But, more often than I cared to admit, I would wake up at three in the morning rock hard from the most intense dreams about Grimmjow. Not all of them were sexual, but all of them made me crave him in a way that I no longer should have wanted him.

I even cried over him, more than once.

Sometimes I would wake up with tears in my eyes and an ache in my chest, and my mind would immediately go to him. Sometimes I wouldn't even remember the dream, but I knew emotions that strong could only come from the place I tried to suppress.

Sometimes I would wake up in a blind rage.

Most of the time I barely recognized myself.

_Pain is weakness leaving the body_.

It was my mantra. I should never have gotten that wrapped up in him, shouldn't have let myself get carried away. With Rukia studying abroad I hadn't been able to talk to her, there were things one couldn't even try to explain over the phone. I didn't even have Renji anymore, my long time best friend, because I knew that seeing his face would bring everything back.

Instead of avoiding all the phone calls, for a while I had just turned off my phone and went without. For months, I cut myself off from the part of society that was hooked to technology. Yeah it sucked having to cut out Renji after giving him a heartfelt apology and half-assed explanation, but it was part of removing Grimmjow. The other guys had been Grimmjow's friends first, so I hadn't felt so bad leaving without saying goodbye.

Either way, it felt like I'd taken off my own leg, and I was struggling to learn to balance without it. Walking was almost inconceivable, but I was determined to get there.

Though I knew Grimm had been pissed at me when I'd told him I was leaving, he'd scoffed.

"I'm not going to make you stay with me if you wanted to leave."

So cool and unaffected.

His eyes, however, had burned with the same passionate fire that they always did when he looked at me.

It was a challenge, I had known it then, he was testing me. But I was strong enough to leave him- just barely, but I was. And that's what mattered.

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3 years later, I still hadn't truly recovered.

6 months after I'd left, I turned on my cell phone and deleted all the messages, missed calls and voicemails without reading or listening to a single one. None of them had called me since.

That didn't mean they were gone.

Blue eyes haunted me every time I saw the number six. I could still remember the taste of his skin where I had often traced the outline of his gothic '6' tattoo along his lower back. It made my eyelids dip in pleasure to even think about, and my cock twitch wistfully in my pants.

It's amazing how difficult it can be to cut a bad habit, even if you're healthier without it.

Sometimes, life just isn't fair.

Hell, most of the time it's not.

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For two of the last three years I'd been working as an event marketing coordinator at a computer software company. Which basically just meant that I spent workdays trying to make sure everyone was on the same page and working with the same budget- nothing got approved without my consent or me running it by my boss.

Life was better. Even… good.

Memories of Grimmjow, however, seemed content taking up permanent residence in my dreams.

I supposed it was too much to ask for them all to go away, so I busied myself with making friends at work and pretending that there was a year of my life that didn't exist.

Except I couldn't.

My sex life, in particular, had taken quite a hit. Apparently Grimmjow had not only ruined me for women all together, but I wasn't attracted to men either.

The bastard had a monopoly on my sex drive.

I went on casual lunch dates with girls, just to keep up the shambling façade of a romantic life, but I always had to turn girls down after a few dates for fear that they'd actually get interested and then I'd be the asshole who broke their hearts. Most were fine with it, and I actually had accumulated more female friends than male. Rukia was back in the country and stopped by from time to time, Orihime was a secretary in my office that I ate lunch with every day and Tatsuki was a longtime friend who went cruising the bars with me on the weekend. She was the most fun to go out with since she never pressured me to find a chick. Or a dude. She didn't judge me, and I needed that.

Truth is, I'd taken a girl home once after I'd been drinking at a bar with her, and I hadn't been able to get it up. The spark, the excitement, the constant challenge I'd seen every time I met Grimmjow's intense gaze was burned not only into my mind, but into my body.

It no longer responded to anyone else.

He would always be that part of me that I couldn't quite get fucking rid of, no longer how long I stayed away or how hard I tried to forget. He was burned into me deep enough my body didn't remember life before Grimmjow.

I may have mentally gained control of my addiction enough for everyday life, but it felt so fragile… so superficial.

So fake.

Like I was lying to myself by even pretending that he wasn't there in everything I did, because he was.

Grimmjow would probably always be there, because he is my drug. Was my drug.

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There's a phrase: absence makes the heart grow fonder. I'd always liked that phrase, until its truth became inescapable.

I had figured that removing myself from the problem would help eliminate the pull, to alleviate the constant desire. At least _eventually_. A year later, two years later. No longer.

It hadn't.

I'd resigned myself to it, knowing that as long as I didn't see him again it would never be a problem. It's not like I still had his phone number, or knew where he was living or what he was doing anymore. He was probably holed up somewhere doing the same thing as the last time I'd seen him.

Four years older than me, he'd apparently given up on any working ambition- after all, how was he going to ever get a job it he was smoking all the time and had no experience on his resume?

He was smart, I had never doubted that- to be honest I might not have given him a chance in the first place if I hadn't thought so. Snobby it may be, but intelligence is important to me. My dad is a doctor, and even though he's a complete idiot in his personal life, his professional ambition was always impressive to me.

Grimmjow had graduated from college with a 4.0 GPA mostly, he said, because he hadn't expected any less of himself. His straightforward perspective had intrigued me, as if willpower alone was enough for him to achieve any goal.

Of course, the willpower really was the issue- by the time I'd met him he'd taken up a hedonistic lifestyle that got him through the day to day with no long-term plans. That was one of the reasons I used to make myself leave, since I'd needed a lot of arguments to convince myself that it was worth it.

I needed more, and I knew that if I'd stayed any longer I would have gotten complacent in my own life goals. Addicted or not, my behavior had grown self destructive.

And so I left.

But back to the point: Three years later I'd finally realized that as long as I didn't see him again, I could call my addiction abandonment a success. I couldn't call it a recovery, even I wasn't that stupid.

Recovered addicts could see that which with they were addicted and resist temptation- and I knew I couldn't.

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_**A/N:**_ Review and let me know what you think! I'm curious :)


	3. Dysphoria

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**Chapter 3 - Dysphoria**

**_"_**_I, I tried so hard to let you go,  
But some kind of madness is swallowing me whole, yeah"_

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Renji called me yesterday.

It gave me the chills, hearing his voice after so long, since it brought flashes of memories and times past to my mind. I'd listened numbly as he'd talked steadily, as if he still knew me well enough to understand that I just needed a minute to adjust. He explained that he had a job in the city too, as Rukia had let slip the other day that I did, and wondered if I'd ever want to meet up.

I was lucky, I guess, that he didn't hate me for just cutting him out of my life. It had been selfish, I knew that, but I guess that he understood my need to leave.

Renji explained that he too had changed after I left, that smoking had been more of a college thing for him too and he'd grown out of it by the time he'd found a job he was interested in. Ironically, as a DJ it would make more sense to me if he smoked now, but I didn't mention it since I think he might have been trying to comfort me, as if smoking had been the biggest reason I needed to get out.

A laughable thought. Maybe he hadn't understood my need to leave.

I didn't really have room to judge anything he did, so I just nodded numbly as I listened, feeling ridiculous when I remembered he couldn't see me.

Eventually I'd agreed to grab lunch with him Sunday, unable to think of a good reason to say no. Renji had been my right hand through most of college, but things had changed when Grimm had entered the picture. At first he hadn't understood, since he knew as well as I did that I'd never been into men before, but he'd gradually accepted that Grimmjow was different.

Our friendship had molded, altered, until gradually Renji became closer with Grimmjow's friends than he was with me. That had been my own fault, because I was glued to Grimm all the time, either mentally or physically.

Dangerous behavior.

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Sunday, standing outside the restaurant, I froze when I spotted hauntingly familiar red hair.

Seeing his face was like a punch in the stomach. excitement followed by agony, misery, guilt, frustration, shame… so many memories and aches I still held inside me immediately wrenched in my gut.

And then he smiled.

And as if it was an epiphany I'd been waiting three years to have, I realized that I missed my best friend.

We settled down into lunch at a local café after a brief, awkward greeting. Maybe things had changed, we certainly were older, but years of friendship seemed to trump years of being apart.

"I still can't believe we're halfway through our twenties already." Renji smiled easily, taking a bite from his burger and gazing thoughtfully at me from across the table. "It's like we were just in college yesterday, and yet it still seems like decades since I've seen you."

"My fault," I smiled wryly.

"But it's not," Renji shook his head, smiling slightly at what I was surprised might have been fond memories. Did people have fond memories of that time? I certainly didn't since even memories that might have been happy were now overwhelmed by a certain male. "Not really. After you… left, most of us kind of realized that things needed to change. That we'd gotten too used to sitting around and wasting away at a slow, complacent rate."

"Really?" I was almost shocked, some of the guys had never seemed like the driven type. My mind had immediately gone to Grimmjow, what else was new, but since Renji hadn't mentioned him I wasn't going to bring him up.

"Well, I think Starrk still deals, and Nnoitra is still has connections in that circle, but pretty much everyone else is working a respectable job." Renji paused, and I could feel the cautious way his gaze dragged over my face before he continued. As if he knew that the next sentence was going to elicit a reaction he was hesitant to cause. "Grimmjow, for example; turns out he inherited his family's organization."

He let that soak in, probably aware of how my pulse had increased at the mere mention of his name as I swallowed thickly, and I closed my eyes.

"So he…" I took a deep breath and opened my eyes again. "Runs a company now?"

Renji's lips twitched, as if he was amused, but the tension was still there in his face. On a good day, I would have smacked him for finding my struggles amusing, but I didn't have the energy while I was trying to resist the threat of emotional upheaval.

So I just sent him a glare. Two seconds later, I almost laughed when I realized that Renji and I had basically fallen right back into our friendship.

I shifted awkwardly in my seat, suddenly uncomfortable under Renji's gaze.

"So?" I prodded, curiosity winning out over sanity. It usually did, in my case.

"Yeah, he does. His office is actually only a few blocks from here. I've kept in touch with pretty much all of the guys, and we get together from time to time. In fact," Renji paused again, as if he knew he was going to regret his next words. "We're getting together this coming Friday for some drinks after work. You're welcome to join if you're… interested."

I could hear the underlying "if you're up to it" in the phrasing. And I wasn't sure whether I was. I just couldn't say no to seeing Renji when he called, I mentally berated myself; I had to open that can of worms now, when everything else seemed to be going so smoothly.

Ha, going smoothly? My life? What a joke.

Smoothly except for still dreaming about startling shades of blue, I snorted in wry amusement. Then I sighed, taking another bite of own food as I fought a little internal battle. I did kind of miss the other guys, it was apparent to me now as I looked at the best friend of my youth, but I knew without a doubt that I wasn't strong enough to see Grimmjow. And I probably never would be.

I braced to say no, knowing a round of explanations would have to follow, when Renji decided that he'd let me stew long enough and added,

"Since we get together about every other week, not everyone makes it every time. Grimmjow is going to be out of town on business."

My eyes shot up to his, irritated. Why hadn't he just said so?

"Sure, I'll go." I forced a cavalier shrug, returned to my food. I paused and glanced back across the table when Renji sighed.

"You're not over him at all are you." It wasn't a question, and I'd long forgotten that I was all but transparent to Renji. It was so obvious to me, safe within the confines of my mind, that I almost wanted to laugh. Instead, I sighed in return.

"Some drugs are impossible to forget."

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Renji continued to probe me as we finished our food. What I'm doing now, how my dad and my sisters are, where I live. When he asked, casually, if I had been dating anyone I raised an eyebrow.

"What do you think?"

"I think three years is a long time to carry a flame for someone." Renji stated, eyes still trying to destroy the last of my shields in an attempt, I assume, to understand. "Especially when that flame has proven to be slightly… corruptive."

I wanted to roll my eyes, I really did, somewhere in between amused and irritated.

"You clearly don't understand what it's like," I tried to explain, "When someone burrows so far inside you that they seem to run through your blood. What it's like when someone's voice is a literal siren's call, when their presence brings you to level of physical and emotional completion." I shook my head, trying to explain better. "But it's so much more than that. It's like if you turned me inside out, his marks are still there inside me."

"I mean he'd a good enough guy and all, except for the possessive thing." Renji's eyebrows were furrowed, "but you two always seemed dangerously synced to me; two addictive personalities that just latched on to each other." He paused again, watching my face carefully. "Relationships shouldn't be that… intense."

"I did leave, didn't I?" I gestured around me. "Obviously I noticed something similar."

"Withdrawing from the source doesn't seem to have made much of an impact on your feelings, even if other parts of your life have changed for the better." When I simply shrugged, unable to argue, he continued. "What if I told you that, after you left, he simply replaced you?"

My skin crawled, itching under Renji's gaze as my eyes flew wide and then shut.

My worst days had involved lots of thoughts down that line, they were the most painful. As far as drugs went, knowing that they continued to exist and excite other like they'd once done for you... it felt like betrayal. Though technically I suppose I did the betraying first, when I left him.

It physically hurt me to think about him with someone else, the pain followed by an intense burst of jealousy that burned through my veins at such a rate that I couldn't hope to contain it. I let it simmer, further marking my insides with the memory of him, until I could speak calmly.

"I wouldn't be surprised." I had, after all, always suspected as much. I just avoided thinking about it anymore. Or ever, if I could help it.

Minutes passed, and when the waiter came by with our check Renji took the bill.

"I think you should come out Friday, the guys would like to see you. And," he smiled wryly, "it'll be the last chance to see them together for a while without Grimm around."

I nodded, glad that he was just going to let the conversation go. I know that he had been trying to understand where I am now. Trying to get a feel for whether, with my 'addictive personality' as he'd called it, I could handle re-entering a circle of friends I had tried once to leave behind.

Outside, just as I was walking away, Renji finished the conversation I thought he'd dropped. I heard his voice clearly through the city bustle, and yet it wasn't more than a whisper.

"He didn't replace you, you know. I was kidding."

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_**A/N:**_ Ahh, how I love when stories start to actually go somewhere...

Review! Please :)


	4. Boundaries

_**A/N: **_Chapter 4 is finally here! Mucho editing to do on the next chapter, but I'm hoping to get it up during Thanksgiving break.

Enjoy, you lovely readers you :)

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**Chapter 4 - Boundaries**

_"I have finally seen the light,  
And I have finally realized,  
What you mean"_

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Five days felts like five years, waiting for Friday to come.

I knew I should be pissed that Renji had played me like that, testing both my emotions and my control, but I couldn't work up the energy to be annoyed.

Instead, Renji's words haunted me, giving me more pleasure than I had the right to. After breaking up with him, I shouldn't care if he replaced me. I should want him to replace me.

Ha, right.

The emotion that curled through my blood now wasn't jealously, but something far deadlier. Something that told me that my emotional health was in a much bleaker state than I thought. Something that called out to me, taunting and teasing and twisting my insides until I wanted to curl up in a ball and cry just so I had some way to release all the emotions inside me.

Hope.

It was so far outside of anything I should have felt that it pissed me off. When I went to work Monday I was more of a shadow of a man that a real person, distracted, and most people left me alone. Orihime had, at first, seemed convinced she could talk me out of my funk, when it hadn't worked by Wednesday she'd left me alone too.

I called in sick Friday and spent the whole day in bed, annoyed at the twinge of satisfaction that sparked every time I considered that Grimmjow hadn't been able to replace me easily either. Annoyed at my curiosity of why. But mostly I despised the hope.

Fuck hope.

This was exactly why I knew I wasn't strong enough to see him and walk away intact. Time changes many things, but some things are like the hardest granite. Unable to be carved away by the flow of the river, the rock stands the test of time regardless of battering by the elements.

Such way my tie to Grimmjow Jaegerjaques.

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By the time I crawled out of bed to take a shower Friday evening, nearly a full day of wallowing in self pity later, I had no idea what to wear. I was meeting Renji at his place at 6, and then we were walking to the bar together. He had suggested that the bar was rather… nice, and to dress appropriately.

Last time I'd seen the guys they'd been the sort to frequent giant, comfortably worn couches, not upscale bars. I focused on thoughts of the evening ahead, trying to suppress both the haunting blue eyes and my retarded emotions.

I ended up in a part of slim grey slacks and a soft indigo sweater, rolling up the sleeves and not grabbing a jacket since the late May evenings weren't very cold.

After I was finally dressed, I headed out right on schedule.

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Just the guys. Grimmjow is out of town. It's just the guys.

So calm the fuck down, Ichigo Kurosaki.

I kept telling myself that on the walk to Renji's downtown apartment building. If I was being honest, it looked like the building he lived in was even nicer than mine- he must make good money wherever he DJ'd if he could afford a place that modern.

I didn't get too much time to consider the ramifications of that before Renji walked out the building's front door to meet me. Dressed in dark jeans and a button up, tattoos just visible behind the top bottom of his shirt, he looked pretty good. Not quite enough to ignite my interest, tied as it was to a certain other man, but Renji was straight anyway.

"Hey." I smiled slightly, tension not allowing complete range of motion. Renji probably noticed, but he didn't comment. "Did you tell the guys I'm coming?"

"Actually, I didn't." Renji admitted and explained without prompting. "I figured that it might actually be best to surprise them- less chance of a certain someone finding out and rescheduling his trip."

"Thanks." I murmured, considering the truth of that and surprised at his thoughtfulness.

"It was more in my own self interest than for you- I knew the guys would want to see you." Renji soothed, lips twitching in amusement. "We understood, no one holds a grudge, and he won't be there. You need to relax."

I muttered something less than generous under my breath, but sighed and straightened my shoulders as I tried for an authentic smile.

"Right. Let's do this."

XxXxXxXxXxXxX

The atmosphere of Departure cocooned me the moment I stepped in the doors, wrapping around me and pulling taunt until I was consumed, but comfortably so.

On the top floor of a hotel located about six blocks from the city airport, the dimly lit bar pulsed with music. It was the kind of place the working world went to drink and meet up with friends. No one danced, it wasn't that kind of place, but people lounged in soft looking chairs and couches circled around by the windows at the perimeter. The bar itself was an island in the middle of the room, backlit with purple light visible through the glass shelves and the bottles that seemed to hum and ripple along with the music. It was busy, but not too busy, I noted as I admired the red cushioned lounging area curiously.

The most interesting part to me was that the windows overlooked the airport on one side, and the city on the other. The airport view might seem strange to some, even tasteless, but the obviously soundproof glass set the perfect scene to watch airplanes take off and land. I'd always been fascinated by airports; all of the coming and going, everyone had a purpose in an airport. Any planes flying close might have made the windows shudder slightly in place, but if they did the patrons didn't notice- probably due to the music thrumming around them.

I loved it.

Renji smiled at the expression on my face as I followed him through the bar, ordering two beers before asking, "You like it, don't you?"

"You knew I would." I smiled at him, it feeling authentic for the first time all day. Renji grinned back, and I felt one more aspect of our former friendship slip back into place.

"I'd hoped that you still had a thing for airports."

"No problem there." I relaxed slightly as he handed me one of the beers, taking a drink and eying the people around me. It was early enough that I had a feeling only the regulars were here. Mostly men, obviously just off work, with a few groups of well dressed women scattered around. I liked this place for the people as much as the ambiance and the view; I could tell already they didn't come here to get shit-faced or to get tail. This was relaxed, a place to come unwind and de-stress with friends over drinks.

"The guys are over there," Renji nodded to the side of the room with the city facing view. I took another pull from my beer to hide my immediate flare of nerves, and Renji was too nice to mention it if he'd noticed. "I know it's not on the side you'd choose, but there's a circle of couches over there that are basically ours by habitual use."

"No problem," I strode forward without giving myself any more time to think. Nnoitra was the tallest by far, so his head was the first thing I saw- not that he was looking at me. By the time I was close enough to see everyone else, their eyes had all found me and were displaying a varied set of expressions.

Starrk, Nnoitra, Shūhei, Ikkaku, Yumichika… they were all there. For some reason, the first thing that came to mind was that I'd never asked Renji if he and Rukia had ever hooked up- he'd been in love with her for years and still hadn't told her when I'd left years ago. Rukia avoided ever talking to me about her romantic life, I think she figured I had enough with my own and didn't need to hear about hers, and I had never pried. That thought, somehow, made me feel like nothing had changed at all, and my nerves evaporated.

I set my beer on the low coffee table in the middle of the circle of lounge chairs and couches and plopped into the vacant seat next to Starrk with a grin.

"Hey guys, what's up?"

I could tell that the shock was sinking in relatively slowly, so I just watched Renji sit in the empty chair on my right and then continued to assess the group. Everyone looked good, better than when I'd last seen them. Maybe it was because they were all dressed so nice- I had definitely never seen Ikkaku, Starrk or Nnoitra in anything that resembled nice clothes.

Or maybe it was because they looked a little less sleep deprived than they had those drugged days lying around in Grimm's apartment.

"Yo," Ikkaku finally broke the silence, "long time no see punk."

"Tch" Nnoitra snorted, "Mo' like it's been years."

"And those years have been kind to you freaks. You almost look grown up." I smiled again, at ease among people who had known me and all of my quirky habits at one point in my life. Grimmjow's face flashed into my brain, the only person I associated with this group that wasn't present, but I pushed it back. Surely I could enjoy this moment without thinking of him constantly- what that too much to ask?

"Yeah well," Renji smiled, "Some of these guys are approaching thirty, so 'grown up' might be an understatement."

"Age is such a tasteless subject." Yumichika frowned disapprovingly at Renji for moment from his seat next to his long time boyfriend Ikkaku (at least I assumed they were still together), then he turned his gaze to me, considering. "I wasn't sure we'd see you again."

His implication was clear: I never expected you'd come back. And, well, he was right to wonder.

"Renji's to blame for that," I smiled wryly, "he just called me up out of the blue the other day."

When Nnoitra snorted again, Starrk assessed me lazily. His demeanor certainly hadn't changed, and neither had the almost aged, mature quality to him.

"Always knew Renji wouldn't last without you," he stated calmly, eyes boring intently into mine for a moment and giving me chills, he'd always given off the vibe that he saw a lot more than he confessed to. "He was a bit of a mess without you there for a while."

When my eyes flashed to Renji in surprise and guilt, he'd been glaring pointedly over me at Starrk.

"Should have known you'd bring that up," he almost growled, and then visibly collected himself before he met my gaze, both sincere and pointed. "Yeah, there was a rough patch. Not your fault."

"Tch" Nnoitra snorted again, taking a swig of his own drink before expanding. "Nah, t'was defint'ly yer fault."

Renji shifted his glare to the scrawny men, and I wished the chair swallow me up for a moment while the guys either looked past me or stared at me little too intently. I took a few drinks of my beer, trying to collect my thoughts, when Shūhei finally broke the tense silence.

"So what are you up to now?" he, at least, seemed inclined to pretend nothing had happened. Nnoitra was acting predictably insensitive, as it was a gift of his, but I hadn't expected much else from him.

Slowly, gradually, the group relaxed into a companionable circle as Shūhei and Yumichika picked my brain for details of the past few years. Starrk was relaxing sleepily beside me, Ikkaku was all together unaffected by my presence but it was Nnoitra who seemed slightly more perturbed that I was present than I'd expected. As Grimmjow's oldest friend, I had a feeling he would be the first to pass along that I'd 'reappeared', so to speak. I grimaced at the thought.

However, I managed to push it away off long enough to enjoy a few beers as I caught up with the friends I'd almost forgotten. We laughed and harassed each other, bickering easily in ways I had forgotten I loved.

When the group finally dispersed late in the night, Renji and I shared a cab on the way back home. It was only there that I felt the need to break the companionable silence.

"I can never quite fit back in the same way I used to." I knew it as well as I knew my shoe size. Regardless of how easily we might have reconnected, I couldn't just slip back into the circle of friends as easily as I'd left, mostly because my initial position there had been so dependent on the presence of another. I wasn't sure where that left me at the moment, but I knew it was true.

"Maybe, maybe not." Renji mused, glancing at me from the other side of the backseat curiously. "Did you have a good time?"

"Yeah," I smiled, amused that he seemed almost nervous. "It was nice. Thanks, Renji."

"Anytime." He smiled back easily, visibly relaxing back into his seat. "Maybe you could even bring a friend with you next time, one of your new friends. God knows that I get sick of the guys sometimes."

I smiled at the idea, knowing immediately that my friend Shinji would fit right in among my college friends, but frowned as I realized that he's said 'next time'.

"Renji," I treaded carefully, not sure how he would react. "You know that there can't be a next time. I only went this time because he wasn't there."

"Of course you can!" Renji started, and I shook my head to interrupt. It was obvious he'd taken my enjoyment of the evening as potential for us all to return to our past life, but too much had changed.

"No, Renji, I can't. And I won't be the reason he can't go out with his friends either." I sighed, meeting Renji's suddenly intense, disappointed eyes as I explained. "I made this choice; it's only fair that I live with the consequences."

I didn't want to have this conversation. I'd explained to him how I felt about Grimmjow, he knew that I wasn't over him yet. I felt bad for leaving my friends, of course I did, but removing myself from the picture all together was my best chance for recovery.

We were getting closer to my apartment, I could tell when I looked out the window. Only a few more minutes…

"But I didn't make this choice Ichigo," Renji argued, and I flinched at the actuality he presented, the largest unintended consequence to my decision. "I didn't choose to lose my best friend. Had I known that things had gotten so out of hand, had I really thought about it or if we'd ever really talked about it, I would have quit with you. We could have done it together."

He thought that my dependency on weed had fueled my need to go, whether or not my addiction to Grimmjow had been equally strong. That I'd be so wrapped up in our little addictive bubble that I'd needed an escape. He was still having trouble understanding that my addiction to Grimmjow was as strong as I'd tried to describe. He didn't understand.

So I humored him.

"Yeah Renji, we could have quit together." I conceded, "But it wasn't fair of me to expect you to give everything up with me, even our friends. You know why I had to leave; drugs weren't the only addiction I'd begun to suffer from- weed wasn't the only thing that I was losing myself to."

Renji remained silent, simply staring at me, before he finally turned to look back out the window at the city streets. I'd always known, somewhere inside, that Renji resented the relationship Grimmjow and I had formed. That he felt as if I'd been taken away by the other man- and I had. I wasn't stupid enough to pretend it was something else, especially when it had been an intense enough relationship to scare me into leaving.

When we pulled up to my apartment and I paid my share of the cab, I looked over at Renji.

"We'll get lunch again sometime soon, yeah?"Beneath my question was more than just the words, I was pleading with Renji to understand, to forgive me for the years of our friendship I'd taken away by leaving. He knew that, and it took him a few seconds to meet my gaze.

"Yeah," he smiled slightly, "I'll call you."

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I hung out with Renji about once a week after that. Sometimes Shūhei would come along to lunch, sometimes I invited Shinji. It was easier than I had any right for it to be, trying to blend together the best of my friends from my old life into my new one. Renji was gradually forgiving me. Whether or not he'd ever accepted it, he had resented me leaving. I couldn't blame him, and I was trying now to prove that even I knew that he deserved better.

Every once and a while he would accidentally invite me out with the guys, forgetting how dangerously tempting and destructive that was for me, and I would turn him down. It always took me aback though, that I had the strength to say no. I wanted to ask if Grimmjow knew that I'd met up with the other guys, I had so many questions about him that I wanted answered, but I knew where the line between curiosity and masochism lay. And trust me, it was a very fine line. Besides, I'd not sure Renji would have answered if I'd asked.

So life molded and changed, adapting to fit a few extra people from my past life.

It was the first time that I'd felt like I'd really MADE a new life for myself, the first time that it seemed real. That I'd succeeded. Maybe I'd just needed to prove to myself that I could still be friends with Renji and the others in this new life, needed to validate our friendships beyond the tie to Grimm and weed.

Whatever it was, I got complacent. Content. Happy, even, something I wasn't sure I'd deserved.

Someone must have agreed with me, because I never saw the bastard coming.

Ignorant and blissful until I was looking into those blue eyes, my heart torn between operating at full speed or stopping all together.

Everything was perfect, until Grimmjow showed up at my apartment.

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_**A/N:**_You know you love mee ;)

REVIEW please!


	5. Affinity

_**A/N:**_ Done much sooner than I expected! I love this chapter :) Hope you guys do too...

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**Chapter 5 - Affinity**

_"And now, I need to know is this real love,  
Or is it just madness keeping us afloat?"_

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Unassuming and completely oblivious to the turn my day was about to take- hell, the turn my life was about to take- I answered the knock on my door on Tuesday evening without even checking the peephole.

Mistake number one.

Face to face with Grimmjow, the beautiful and sinfully seductive man I had likened to a dangerous drug addiction for the past three or more years, for the sake of preserving my sanity, was staring intently right at me.

Immediately every dream, every thought of him I'd had over the past few years flooded my brain and my legs turned to jelly. I fought to maintain some semblance of sanity, tried to figure out whether I was having another, very vivid dream or I was actually as royally fucked as it seemed.

I blinked a few times, face undoubtedly horrified, strain probably visible in every feature of my face. Nothing changed. Grimmjow still stood, scandalously good looking, frowning at me. FROWNING. Not quite the expression I would expect if a man came knocking on my door, but who was I to ponder expected futures. Mine was obviously not playing out like I'd expected.

Naturally, my first response was to do what any recovering addict would do when avoidance with the substance no longer worked. What any alcoholic, faced with a room full of alcohol, would immediately do.

I went into denial.

I slammed the door in his frowning face and closed my eyes.

If I couldn't see him, he wasn't there. That was my brilliant rational for you, and the stupidest plan I'd ever had in my life. How soon I forgot that he was dangerous, so wrapped up in resisting temptation that I lost all sense of physical preservation at all.

Like an idiot, I had forgotten to relock the door.

Mistake number two.

Unlike an idiot, Grimmjow saw an opportunity when it was presented to him.

The door reopened, and when my eyes snapped open at the sound he took a step forward, towards me, sending me backpedaling deeper into my apartment to avoid contact. The flash of heat in his gaze shot through me, and I shuddered, those blue eyes that had haunted me for years not burrowing intensely into my panicked brown ones. Without a word he closed the door behind him and fully entered my home.

Seeing him, here in my space, was doing all sorts of things to me that I didn't have the ability to process. My eyes, the stupid idiotic things that had tried to solve my problem by hiding, were unable to leave his.

Blue, my whole world was now a startling shade of azure blue.

He smirked then, and the force of that smile sent an unfortunate dose of reality to me. Grimmjow was here, in my home, and I was just standing there like an idiot. Staring.

"Ichigo." His voice was like a rough purr, borrowing deep inside me and rubbing up against my skin. My eyes slipped closed again, briefly, in self preservation this time as I fought to maintain control.

"Why are you here?" My voice sounded rough, weak- even to me. I knew that he was well aware of how uncontrollable my body's response to him was, some things would probably never change.

"I heard an old friend was in town, and curiosity finally got the better of me. Then I noticed he was avoiding me, and I started to wonder why."

_Friend._ What a foul word, as if it could describe any aspect of our relationship.

Why was it that I hadn't been content with my attempt at a clean slate? I just had to take Renji's offer to mend the ties I'd broken, knowing full well that I risked exposure to a highly dangerous substance.

Damn the man, why couldn't he leave me alone.

"If I recall correctly," I straightened, still reigning in my emotions as much as possible, as if it would limit the risks of exposure to him. I tried for irritated, since I knew somewhere behind the shock I was furious that he'd just shown up in my home "You told me I could leave."

"I said I wouldn't make ya stay." He responded easily, and I watched him carefully now. He was no longer frowning, but the smile I'd grown to think was a permanent part of his face hadn't quite slipped into place. He looked… curious? Such a mild emotion compared to my own. "That doesn't excuse ya for greeting all of my closest friends except me, especially when I like to think of myself as your once-favorite of the group."

Was that, hurt? Somehow, as his gaze intensified further, I was seeing more than simple curiosity. Was he really here just because I'd been avoiding him? A better question: Would I ever be able to look at him, hear him speak, and not immediately turn into an internal pile of melting bone and burning veins?

Not quite willing to ask that out loud, I settle for the former.

"So you're here because I'm avoiding you?" I asked carefully, and he finally grinned. Watching it change his face into the one I'd had spent months of my life devouring… I tried uselessly to clear my head.

"That's it strawberry."

That nickname, the memories that brought back.

No one had ever gotten away with calling me that but him, because when he said it desire had always flooded through me instead of anger or embarrassment. Desire that surged again as if the last three years hadn't passed and I was still the same guy who had jumped on him any chance I'd gotten.

But that wasn't me anymore. I took a deep, purposeful breath through my mouth to avoid any possible drugging by the mere scent of him, and locked my gaze on his.

"It's been a long time, Grimm."

"Both too long and not that long at all." He countered, watching me curiously and unabashedly assessing me from head to toe. Even I could see the sparks of some other emotion flashing as his eyes seemed to physically move over me. "A lot has changed, that's for sure."

I finally tore my own gaze from his face, taking my time to assess him too – it was only fair.

Grimmjow was still taller than me, hovering somewhere around 6'2", and as built as ever under his clothes. His clothes, however, were in stark contrast to the types of things I'd seen him in years ago. Standing in my apartment wearing black slacks with an indigo shirt, unbuttoned and worn with a loosened black tie, it was obvious he'd come straight from work. My eyes couldn't help but devour his well-dressed frame, noting that his clothes were perfectly tailored to highlight his long legs, trim waist and broad chest. The blue as a compliment to his eyes was a nice touch too, a part of my mind registered, but most of me was trying to reign in the memories of how much I used to enjoy stripping clothes off of Grimmjow's lean swimmer's build.

I finally caught myself staring, and I was pissed. It couldn't have escaped his notice, and slightly ashamed of my weakness I tried to collect my sanity before I pulled my eyes back to his. Mind over matter; I could shove the desire away.

"If you really wanted to see me, a phone call would have worked. Renji didn't just show up at my front door and give me a heart-attack, he called me. Much less startling." I pointed out, hoping to shame him.

Once, I would have known better; things may change, but Grimmjow has always been immune to shame.

"This is a heart-attack, hmm? Interesting." His grin remained firmly intact, still standing in my entryway like a predator. Had he always been so... overpowering? Of course he had, I mentally shook myself, that's what happens when one has the pull of a drug. I pulled out of my reverie in time to hear him expand. "I was in the area, just leaving my office, and remembered one of the guys mentioning that ya lived over here. I tracked ya down, not so terribly difficult, so I could give ya a hard time in person."

"Gee, how considerate." I sighed, "Consider me plenty harassed. Did you need anything else?"

"Can't get rid of me that easily." He shook his head, pausing to consider me for a moment before continuing. "Unless, I suppose, ya come to dinner with me on Friday? We won't go to Departures with the guys, but I think we need a chance to catch up."

Stuck between a rock and a hard place: Deal with him now, in my home, or deal with him later, over dinner. I knew he wouldn't leave until I agreed, so the choice really wasn't that hard.

"Fine, get my number from one of the guys." I complied, eager to get him out of my home and my sight, at least in the short term. "Now will you please leave?"

"You're not making it seem like you're happy to see me at all." Grimmjow pointed out with a tauntingly raised eyebrow as he opened my front door. I scowled in return.

"You said it yourself: I was avoiding you."

His laugh would echo through my head for days after he walked out of my apartment, shutting the door firmly behind him.

That memory haunted my dreams, and as I turned to go make dinner I decided to tell Renji about the encounter tomorrow- A person could really only take so much Grimmjow in a day, whether that be seeing him or talking about him, and I really didn't want to relapse.

I think.

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Renji had apologized again and again for dragging me back into Grimmjow's circle of friends, and then begged me not to go to dinner. I had made it pretty clear that living with Grimmjow in my life and not being in a relationship wasn't something I was capable of, and so he didn't question that. So, even he knew that there were really only two possible outcomes. Either A: I managed to resist Grimmjow's pull long enough to get through dinner and then I would, once again, disappear in a pathetic attempt at self preservation, or B: I would succumb.

Given that I'd tried both before, even I wasn't sure which outcome was the likeliest. Obviously I preferred an option that wasn't even on the table- that Grimmjow would leave me the hell alone. But he never would, and I knew that because I'm not as stupid as my orange hair makes people think I am. I knew, as well as I knew that my goat-faced old man would never let either of my sisters date until they weren't living at home, that Grimmjow would not give up the hunt now that I was back in his reach.

Even though he'd let me leave.

Perhaps because he'd let me leave.

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Thursday night, as if I needed more fuel for the blue fire that burned through me, I dreamed of our first night together.

It had been passionate, driven by so many things and feelings, but it hadn't been driven by drugs. One of the few nights I can say that about, and all the more memorable for it.

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_I was sitting on his bed cross-legged, waiting for him to get out of the bathroom. We'd been up late watching a movie when our cuddling had crossed the line into making out, which had progressed into some heavy petting, which had ended in Grimm excusing himself for a shower._

_I couldn't be mad, he was just respecting the boundaries I had set out in the beginning. I wasn't gay, and I wasn't ready for a full physical relationship with a man. Of course, if I was half as transparent as I felt, I figured Grimm knew that those boundaries were beginning to blur. I was obviously gay for him, because I'd never been so hard in my goddamn life, though that didn't extend to other men. As for the full physical relationship… if I let him stroke my dick trough my clothes I obviously wanted him. All of him._

_And why the fuck not?_

_Grimmjow is beautiful in a way that makes my toes curl and my heart race. The sharp lines of his face, the lean, muscled planes of his body, the blue eyes that met mine as often as he could make it happen… all of these things were so far burned into me that I felt like a complete idiot denying either of us anymore._

_His laughter brought an immediate smile to my face, even when he was teasing me. Sometimes he'd actually succeed in making me so mad that I'd come at him, fists flying, and we'd fight until we were both laughing again. I hated him, I loved him, and I damn well knew that I didn't want to live without him._

_So what was the hold up?_

_When Grimm exited the bathroom and saw me sitting in the middle of his bed, he raised an eyebrow curiously. He'd donned his favorite baggy sweats to sleep in, shirtless as always, and I barely resisted a shiver as my eyes took their time devouring him._

_"Oi, strawberry, ya might want to tone down the fire in those eyes before I jump your bones."_

_He'd meant to be both reproachful and teasing, reminding me of my own boundaries, but I knew that the threat was a serious one. I smiled slowly, eyes caressing his body again as they slowly returned to his face._

_"That sounds like a great idea, Grimmjow." My eyes were lit with amusement and desire as they watched his expression carefully, "How about we take care of that pesky, final wall I left up?"_

_Grimmjow growled deep in his throat, stalking to the edge of the bed as his eyes bore into mine._

_"You shouldn't say things ya don't mean strawberry, especially when you're asking for something I want."_

_"Oh I mean it," I purred back, crawling toward him where he stood until I was facing him, on my knees on the top of the bed, our gazes clashing as I lifted my hands to graze the muscles of his stomach playfully, but with purpose. I felt his stomach twitch under my fingers, and my eyes stayed locked on his as I slowly slipped them to the waistband of his pants. "All I could think about while you were taking that shower was: the next time I get him hard, I'm going to take care of it myself."_

_Inhaling sharply, he stared at me for a long moment as he tried to pull the truth out of my mind. Whatever he saw there in my eyes led to one last deep breath before he shoved me firmly backwards onto the bed. He followed._

_When his body landed over mine, caging me in and effectively trapping me beneath him, I fought to contain my satisfied moan. I wanted him so bad, I wanted to touch every part of his body and lose myself in the sound of his voice. I wanted him to devour me._

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Grimmjow was dangerous to me even then, because I was helpless to his pull.

He had been slow at first, pulling me out of my clothes languidly and stoking the fire until I'd been all but lost in his arms. His lips, his tongue, they caressed every part of my body and mouth; by the time he'd managed to get me out of my pants I was all but exploding already.

The first time hadn't been the best time. I had been so swallowed up in desire that I forgot one of the reasons I'd been resisting so long- the first time would be more painful and weird than it would be wonderful. Grimmjow was good, I wouldn't deny him that, but in hindsight (and compared to the immeasurable number of times we had sex in the following months) it hadn't been anywhere near perfect.

What had been perfect was the look in his face as he came inside me for the first time. Visibly torn, he had fought the desire to close his eyes as he watched me succumb completely to the feeling of him inside me. He got me off first, surprisingly considerate about that sort of thing in bed, and so I'd been little more than a giant pile of mush at that point.

But his eyes, those goddamn beautiful, captivating and predatory eyes, had screamed "mine" that very first time, and every time after that.

And I, as weak as I was, loved that he wanted me that badly. That he physically claimed me, but wanted more. I could see it in his eyes every time we had sex- he wanted my physically, emotionally and metaphorically.

Any way he could swing it, he wanted to possess me.

And he did, to this day, own parts of me that I hadn't realized that I'd given away until it was too late.

Until I was addicted to him, to his magnetism, to his eyes, to his unmistakable purr. To the softness of his voice when I was lying sleepily in his arms. To the fierce flash in his eyes as his temper flamed. To the laughter that could both chill my bones and arouse me in ways that it shouldn't.

And even now, at the risk of my own sanity, I knew that I wouldn't be able to resist going to dinner with him.

Addiction is so much more that words can express.

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_**A/N:**_ REVIEW! It makes me happy :)


	6. Exposure

_**A/N:**_ Shit's getting real people. Man, this story is just too much fun to write. Or maybe I just really like procrastinating homework.

Or both.

Enjoy!

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**Chapter 6 - Exposure**

_"Like some kind of madness  
Was taking control"_

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Friday, my own personal D-Day. The turning point for my future, the deciding factor of the war being waged inside me. Everyone knows that one battle can't win or lose a war, but it can certainly shape the direction of the future.

I tried not to dwell too much on it at work, cutting out after lunch with the excuse that I wasn't feeling well – no one could doubt that when they took a look at my face- to go home, take a nap and to try to relax before dinner. I figured after a few hours of sleep and a shower, meeting Grimmjow would be just a bit more bearable.

Maybe.

God help me, I was terrified and curious. And somewhere, deep inside, I was excited. That part of me that constantly reflected on the bliss I had once found in his arms was absolutely purring at the idea of spending more than an hour in his presence.

That rational side of me was more or less screaming to run away. But, since I had tried that before and was still faced with the current situation, I was able to quell the urge based on potential uselessness.

In the end, it was my pride than managed to get me ready and out the door after my nap.

There was a reason I hadn't literally just run away the last time- I had faced Grimmjow one last time before I left. I had told him I was leaving, because I knew we both deserved that and because I wasn't the kind of guy to disappear into the dark of the night without warning or with only a note. I faced my problems, whatever they may be, head on.

Okay, maybe I did run away in a sense, but at least I wasn't sneaky about it. And I don't lie, ever.

So at 6:15 in the evening when I stood outside the restaurant Grimmjow had texted me the address to, along with a reservation time, I had a straight back and a determined attitude. I was here, there was no backing out, and I needed to get through dinner.

God forbid he tried to touch me, because I'm not quite sure I would be strong enough for that.

A deep breath, a last quick mental pep-talk, one last rake of my hand through my intentionally tousled (though completely unmanageable) hair and I walked inside to fight my battle.

Which would have been a lot easier if I hated my enemy.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

Grimmjow certainly didn't skimp out when he was trying to make a point. I wasn't sure I'd ever been to a restaurant this nice; the receptionists had asked my name and immediately, with dazzling smiles, informed me that "Mr. Jaegerjaques" has reserved the upstairs portion of the restaurant and they would lead me to him.

Of course he had.

They led me through the restaurant, and I tried to assess my surroundings without bias. People of much higher class than me sat drinking wine and chatting amiably with their dinner partners; mingling of the upper crust and the wannabe elite. I couldn't tell whether Grimmjow was intentionally trying to unsettle my already unbalanced perspective of the new him, or he was just showing off.

Up the stairs a more dimly lit dining area boasted smaller tables spaced much further apart. Sections were separated by dark, rich mahogany wood half-walls to create a sense of privacy inside, what I assumed was, a popular restaurant. Though, I noticed wryly, there was no one seated at any of the tables except for one by the window where a broad shouldered, blue haired man sat sipping what I was sure was gin. The bastard didn't even turn to look at me as the hostess led me over, absorbed in whatever he was watching out the window that boasted a gorgeous view down the city block.

I sat stiffly, accepting the menu from the hostess with a tight smile and attempting to ignore the man across from me until he deemed it the appropriate time to acknowledge me.

An excellent plan, except it didn't work.

I simply stared at him, shifting uncomfortably in the silence until his gaze drifted casually away from the view of the people wandering down the main city streets and to my face.

"Ichigo." His lips twitched in a smile, as if he amused himself. He had seldom ever called me by my name, and I was surprised that he did so now.

"I'm here because I'm not the kind of guy who backs out of his promises." I clarified, determined to stand up for myself on what was an obviously unequal playing field. His bark of laughter rolled over me in a brief but overpowering burst, and I fought a shudder at the sound- instead I frowned as I assessed him.

"Ya might not back out of promises, but ya certainly ran away from me pretty easily."

"I didn't run away, I walked away." I said, and then couldn't help but add, "And no one said it was easy."

"Ah," he murmured back, leaning forward across the table, his quiet intensity captivating. "But if it wasn't easy, then why leave?"

It hadn't taken much time for the conversation to get right to the point; I almost wanted to laugh myself, more in irony that actual humor. I'd figured he'd beat around the bush for a while, play a little game with words before delving into the key issue still unresolved between us.

And here dinner was just starting.

Instead out waitress showed up and listed the specials: Mahi Mahi with mango salsa or a filet mignon topped in mushrooms and a crème sauce. The mundane conversation with a waitress was so… normal, that I did end up chuckling to myself as she walked away to retrieve me a glass of water- drinking alcohol with Grimmjow was a bad idea.

My laughter seemed to surprise him, and again he leaned over the table intently.

"What's so funny?"

"Honestly? This whole situation. I'm here, at the nicest restaurant I've been to in ages, with the guy I used to smoke joints and have sex with. The same guy who I haven't seen in years because I had been avoiding him quite successfully, until this week that is, and he's currently contemplating the filet mignon or cedar plank salmon." I gestured at the menus with a wry smile. "Everything about this is funny to me." And yet, contrary to my words, my smile slipped back into a frown, unsure if I really wanted an answer to my next question but unable to resist asking. "What do you want?"

He ignored me, as I should have known he would. A curse and a blessing, really.

"You've changed." He observed calmly, showing me a side of Grimmjow that I enjoyed remembering the most, even though it was painful- the calm, thoughtful Grimmjow. "Ya never used to be bitter, but I feel like there's resentment boiling inside ya somewhere. And you've lost weight since I saw ya last." He paused, assessing me again as his lips twitched slightly. "Ya also look quite handsome in dress clothes- I never saw that while ya were in college."

"I haven't lost weight, I just finally grew up. Besides, you didn't look like you do now either." I countered, gesturing at him across the table. "Did you actually _comb _you hair? You look so done up that I can't even see the guy who used to walk around in sweats anywhere in your face."

"Can't ya?" Grimmjow whispered, and I shivered immediately, but he continued as if he didn't notice. "He's definitely still here, and those sweats you're thinking of are folded on my end table to change into the minute I get home." He paused to let that sink in, as if this whole conversation was a game of timing- which, if I was being honest, it probably was. "Just because I've finally taken on the responsibility I'd been shirking for years doesn't mean I've changed who I am. It does, however, mean that many things are different."

I considered that, sipping the water that the waitress (I think her name was Ashley) had slipped onto the table with a basket of bread. I had a terrible habit of picking at bread when I ate it, nibbling piece by piece, and I just knew that if I picked up a piece of bread Grimm would tease me about it. So, hungry as I was, I waited for the waitress to come back for our orders.

"So if you haven't changed, but things are different, why am I here?" I finally asked, breaking the silence.

"You're here because ya couldn't stay away once I'd presented ya with an opportunity." His easy answer made my blood boil, like other presumptuous things he'd said in the past had.

"Is that it? Do you know me so well that you can presume to understand the workings of my mind three fucking years later, Grimmjow?" I laughed sharply, "Don't pretend to understand me."

"Oh I never said I could understand ya, strawberry." His purr was dangerous this time, bordering on a growl but still too seductive to be harsh. "But your actions did become easier to predict. For some reason you've always had trouble turning down anything that might challenge your pride, so I knew you'd be here with a rigid spine and a stick up your ass."

The waitress walked over right then, completely unaware of the tense atmosphere that was now tip-toeing the line between tense and explosive. We ordered quickly, me the Mahi Mahi and him the steak, and I wasted no time continuing our conversation the minute she was gone.

"You're an asshole, you know that?" I bit out the words, bitterness too strong to hide. "You have the nerve to call me proud? We both know that I could never hold a flame to you."

"Two peas in a pod," His smile bordered on feral, but I could see him consciously trying to smooth his face into a calmer expression. Too annoyed to comment, I just waited for him calm. Finally, he sighed. "Ichi, I don't want to argue with ya. I showed up at your apartment because I wanted to see your face- Preferably somewhere other than the image in my mind's eye that keeps growing fainter with time."

It took a minute to process, but I was floored. Did that mean he still considered the memories of us often? Or was that just a passing comment, meant to rile me up?

If he'd intended the latter, it was working.

"You expect me to believe that after taking over a company that you still have time to waste thinking about the 'had been's?"

"No, I want ya to believe that I spend my free time thinking about the 'could be's." The calm composure paired with his burning intensity left me no way to respond. He proceeded to change the subject before I got the chance to even process the previous statement. "Do ya know what company I took over, Ichigo? Did anyone ever tell ya? I know you've been hanging with Renji."

When I shook my head, torn but curious as always to unravel the complicated man that was Grimmjow, I watched him lean back into his chair for what I could tell was going to be a long explanation. Thankful that he hadn't pressed the earlier issue, I was eager to understand this older Grimmjow who was foreign to me and yet still so much the same.

"My mother's brother was never married and never had any kids, and as I am the oldest of his nephews I always knew that he would push for me to take over his company. I think I was eight the first time someone brought it up, but I obviously had no concept of what it meant then." His smile was bitter and yet blissful, reminiscent of days spent in ignorance- I knew that look, it was how I felt every time I remembered the years before my mom died. "It didn't really think about the fact that I'd been sent to all of the most elite charter schools, that it was 'so important' that I took business classes and did extra homework at home to compliment my education.

"By the time I got into college both of my parents had passed away and I was looking for an apartment on my own. My uncle reached out to me, offering to pay for my schooling if I promised to be a business major. I agreed, so eager to get to school without paying the fees that I didn't really consider that he might have other things he wanted in return. When I turned twenty one, graduating college in three years, my uncle passed away.

"He'd left everything to me, his entire organization and all of his shares in the company. He had never told me that was his plan, though I knew that he had hoped I would take it over. I didn't want the responsibility, I was too young…" he sighed, running a hand through his hair- a habit that I'd picked up from him. His smile was small, and slightly self-depreciating. "Of course, the executive board had been more than eager to run things for me while I did everything I could to avoid the life that seemed so inescapable- They didn't want a kid in charge any more than I wanted to be in charge. Instead of shadowing in the company and learning everything there was to know about the business, I took a different path. A path, I think, you're quite familiar with, since ya met me when I was three years into it."

His pointed look told me that I'd met him as he had been fully indulging in his attempt at a responsibility-free life. Based on the context, part of me couldn't blame him – it was obvious even by the way he told the story that he regretted at least part of the choices he'd made.

Then again, what right did he have to try to pull sympathy from me now? We weren't anything anymore, except connected by the ties of our past.

"The past has a nasty habit of catching up with you, especially when you don't want it to." I pointed out dryly, and he almost smiled in return. The immediate flare of pride that I had caused that twitch of his lips burned- I wasn't supposed to be affected like that anymore, it wasn't my place. Grimmjow, oblivious to my internal indecision, continued as if I hadn't interrupted. Or maybe he continued because I had interrupted.

"At 24, a younger, 21 year old guy I'd been involved with decided to leave, and I hadn't expected him to stay away. Six months later, I had gone back to full-time commitment to the company." His smile was slightly ironic, and he gestured about the room. "This place you're sitting in now? One of six elite restaurants in the metropolitan area owned by my corporation, all managed solely by yours truly and a handful of trusted vice-presidents. From a perpetually blazed post-grad to a businessman making six figures, a lot has changed. But I," Grimmjow stated, suddenly serious as he referenced his earlier comment, "have not changed. And neither has what I want."

I was afraid to ask, even more afraid that he would expand without me asking, and was saved the agony of suspense when our food arrived. Thank God for waitresses with impeccable timing, I just hoped he didn't fire them for it later.

I was almost ashamed for thinking that, I knew Grimmjow wasn't petty, and I sighed.

We ate slowly but purposefully, and I enjoyed my meal immensely. I couldn't deny that the food was excellent, and even the company was decent as Grimmjow surprisingly, tactfully, steered the conversation away from the past. After he went out of his way to explain himself to me, it was easier for me to share bits and pieces of my own life. I told him how he'd hate my friend Shinji even though I thought he was amusing, how I actually really enjoyed my work and that my sisters were about ready to go off to college themselves.

He listened attentively, but I could tell he was biding his time. He wasn't going to let our earlier conversation go.

Since there was no bill to pay (it was his restaurant- he had a tab), when we'd finished eating he suggested we leave. I hadn't responded, but stood when he did and walked back downstairs and out through the front door. Grimmjow was oblivious to the fawning of the hostesses.

"Doesn't that get annoying?" I asked, the tiny twitch of jealousy that had flared when one of the waitresses had touched his arm blurted out the question before I had time to check it. Who was she to touch a man I hadn't let myself see or touch in three years? Bitch.

Grimmjow only smiled, shaking his head slightly, knowingly, in response as we wandered a short distance from the restaurant. Stopping off to the side, in front of a shop that had closed for the night, we turned to face each other.

The almost comfortable atmosphere from dinner immediately dissolved around me as I realized that this was, in fact, the real world. This was not the past me, this was the stronger, healthier me who couldn't afford to get wrapped up in a man who absorbed everything I am, everything I was, until the center of my universe was him. He was like a black hole, stretching me thin until everything I had moved toward him.

As soon as I opened my mouth to tell Grimmjow as much, he held up a halting hand.

"Oi, strawberry." I could feel my eyes widen and mouth snap shut at the familiar phrase, one I'd heard a million times and brought to mind a totally different time and place. Grimmjow continued as if he hadn't just shaken me to the core. "I didn't tell ya my little story earlier to appease my own needs- I told ya to make a point." He stepped closer to me, eyes seeking mine intently as his voice wrapped an intoxicating web around me. "I spent six months in limbo, waiting for ya to come back. Six months." He sighed, almost… resigned? His gaze met mine almost furiously seconds later.

His mood swings were giving me whip lash.

"Do you remember the last day ya spent at my place? The day before ya told me ya were leaving and disappeared?"

Of course I remembered, the images of that day would be burned into my mind for the rest of my life. It wasn't often that Grimmjow let me take control in the bedroom, but we'd experienced the most passionate, slow and seductive love making that evening in his bed.

He had been tied to the bed, legs free but hands restrained and unable to touch me. His intense gaze was fueled to scorching as he muttered seductive things only a man who had no physical control over his lover would say. Grimmjow had been lying there, anything but helpless as he completely devoured my self control with a skilled combination of sweet nothings and the dirtiest sex talk I'd ever heard. I'd managed to get him off only once, though I'd dragged it out as long as possible, before he'd coerced me into letting him go and he had proceeded to test every limit of the little self control I'd still had left.

And I'd told him I loved him.

And I'd meant it.

But the next day I'd told him I was leaving, and he'd let me go.

He'd fucking let me go.

Grimmjow watched my emotions in the expressions on my face, the flushed memories leading to embarrassment and finally to a resentful bitterness I hadn't realized was burning inside me until he had pointed out earlier. He was a bastard, coming back after me like this, years later, when I'd been trying so hard to eliminate myself of the need I had for him. He looked almost sad for a moment, and then he was inches from my face and I gasped sharply in surprise.

Again with the emotional whiplash.

My immediate response, rather than a rational step backwards, was to glance around and see if anyone was watching. I knew we were in the city, on a downtown sidewalk, and that a conversation so intense between two men in the early part of the night would hardly be unnoticed. I had stupidly needed to make sure that we weren't causing a scene.

Bad idea.

The minute my gaze left his, Grimmjow grabbed my elbow jerk me to attention. It worked immediately, my eyes slamming back to his where he was still inches from my face, heart zooming at a pace that challenged the speed of light as soon as I felt the heat of his hand through my sleeve.

"I don't know how ya could just walk away." The words seemed to tumble out of his mouth, as if he hadn't really meant to say them until they were already out there, but I was riveted to them. "I didn't think ya were serious when ya left, because I fucking loved ya too and I never would have been able to stay away."

The silence that followed that statement was deafening. I had no words, no thoughts, nothing other than shock, surprise and a weird sense of emptiness.

Not that Grimmjow really give me much time to react before he continued his verbal assault on my entire world and wellbeing.

"I waited, and ya never came back. But I've found ya again and _you're fucking mine_." I shivered at his fervent words, so much more a claiming and a promise than an accusation, and he stepped away. That was the possessiveness I associated with Grimmjow, and my skin was still humming even from that tiny contact on my elbow as I tried to collect some semblance of a response.

People were looking at us curiously, cautiously, but I barely noticed them as I stared into Grimmjow's eyes. He was… hurt? The bastard had the gall to be hurt? He'd never told me, so what did he expect? I hadn't felt like we were on even ground, the playing field had seemed so biased, I had been so out of control…

He turned away from me without another word, moving swiftly down the sidewalk away from me. He didn't want to be followed; the Grimmjow I knew didn't like letting emotions get the better of him unless it was amusement or anger. Laughing or fighting. But love…

I didn't know what else to do, so I turned the opposite direction down the sidewalk to head home. I had no idea how long it took me to get there, it seemed like only a few seconds before I was turning the key to unlock my apartment door and then brushing my teeth, stripping out of my clothes and falling into an exhausted, emotional puddle on my bed.

Tomorrow I might have the energy to contemplate what happened for us next, but tonight emotional stress had taken its toll and left me so fried that I crashed minutes after hitting my pillow.

And unsurprisingly, becoming as predictable as the sunrise, I dreamed more dreams of startling blue.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

_**A/N:**_ This chapter is super long, but don't expect that all the time haha.

-Please review! :)

ALSO: It's dead week and then finals week around here, so I'm not sure I'll be posting more very quickly. just an fyi!


	7. Urges

**_A/N_**: For some reason it was really difficult for me to get this chapter exactly how I wanted it... I hope it turned out okay.  
On a brighter note: I'd like to thank everyone who's reviewed, you guys are awesome and make my day every time. You're really motivating me :)

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

**Chapter 7 - Urges**

_"And now I have finally seen the light,  
And I have finally realized,  
What you need"_

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

Renji was going to be furious, because I didn't plan to get around to calling him back until Sunday. I spent all of Saturday in my apartment, alternating between thinking about Grimmjow and trying to think about anything else.

It had been a rough day. I mean, what the fuck was I supposed to do now? So he loved me, he should have told me when I told him. Or told me when I said I was leaving. Or SOMETHING. Didn't he know me well enough not to doubt my resolve? When I said I was going to do something, I did it. No questions asked. I was the proud asshole with a righteous stick in the ass after all, he had said so himself; I scowled at the memory.

As for "you're fucking mine", that was hardly a statement of continued interest. More like damaged pride? Of course, he had just admitted to pining after me for a while, so his pride might have needed some saving in his view. But I knew that his self-important, smug attitude would need more than that to take an actual hit, so maybe it was something else?

What he seemed to have assumed, and you know what they say about assumptions, was that I hadn't given a flying fuck about him in the past three years. Why did he think I'd been ignoring him, inconvenience? Hardly.

But, did I admit to my own struggles? Would that mean trying to… work something out? I grimaced at the thought.

My life was officially a living nightmare.

So if Renji had any decency in him at all, he'd forgive me for taking a day to collect my shattered life before I tried to reassemble it in whatever way made sense.

And I wasn't sure which way that was going to be yet.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

Renji showed up at my place Sunday morning, eliminating my need to call him, with Rukia in tow.

Now that was a face I hadn't expected, but was happy to see. My happy moment was ruined when she slapped me, hugged me, and slapped me again before settling into a comfortable position on my couch without so much as my permission to come inside.

"She wouldn't let me come alone when I told her I was headed over." Renji had smiled slightly, apologetically, and walking into my apartment behind her. "I honestly think she expected him to be here."

"Yeah, well he's not, and what the hell Rukia?" I muttered, irritated at the warm sting on my face as I shut the door and followed them into my living area.

"For not calling me, because it's been too long again, and for being stupid. In that order." She stated. Always matter of fact, Rukia had a thing about not beating around the bush. I appreciated it now more than ever.

"I missed you too." My lips twisted into a reluctant smile. I could hardly argue with her- I had never been very good at denying the truth.

Besides, I wasn't really that surprised. I knew her well enough that I expected her blunt, honest opinions of all aspect of my life; we had a long history.

Our friendship began during our one-week relationship in middle school which had, thankfully, ended. One week together had been more than enough to kill any interest on either of our parts, even in the young, horny and experimental phase- not that we'd ever gotten physical.

She had always accused me of being reserved and shy, speculating that, ever the psychoanalyst, it was exactly why people had assumed I was trouble growing up. Apparently kids with orange hair are supposed to be obnoxious, and most people treated me as if I was a rebellious teen even if I hadn't done anything wrong.

Renji had made our duo a trio during high school, and though we'd become close I knew that he'd always had a soft spot for her. Originally I thought he was a complete idiot, but he'd eventually grown on me. He'd proved that beneath his rather light-hearted, and occasionally idiotic, exterior was a man of profound determination and relentless loyalty, and I respected that.

Rukia, on the other hand, was outspoken, blunt, had a brother complex and yet still cared more for her friends' well-being than anyone I knew.

"I'd ask what brings you two here to see me, but we all know I'd be wasting my breath." I sighed, plopping down into my favorite armchair. Rukia watched me speculatively.

"You're holding up better than I expected."

"Yeah, we thought you'd have brought him back to your plac- OW!" Renji yelled, clutching his head as he glared at the petite woman sitting next to him on the couch.

"Shut up, retard. You're the only one who thought that."

"Yeah, well, you should have seen the look on his face anytime Grimm- OW!" Renji yelled again, now glaring at me as I sat back down in my seat.

"That's for thinking I'm a pathetic loser who goes crawling back the minute he sees something he misses." I glared, before closing my eyes and taking a deep, calming breath and Rukia broke the silence.

"Let's keep it simple." She smiled slightly. "You left him because the lifestyle was starting to become destructive, yes?"

"In a sense." I muttered in response, but she continued after a slight nod.

"And now, you've been drug free for a few years. Along with that you've been relationship free, though you do have a job and some new friends." She paused for effect, ever the one for dramatics, and raised an eyebrow. "Why is that, do you think?"

"I'm not stupid, Rukia, and you'd do better not to treat me like I am." I wanted to glare, but it took emotional energy I didn't have to spare.

"I think it's because you never let go and moved on." Renji butted in, eyes sharp, but I simply rolled my eyes in response.

"No shit Sherlock, I figured that out a few years ago. You don't dream of the same person every night if you've moved on." For a second I paused, realizing what I'd admitted. Rukia maintained her carefully composed expression, but Renji wasn't good as hiding his emotions. I'd surprised him, admitting easily how completely not over Grimmjow I actually was. After a moment I continued anyway, "But that's not the point. The point is that I spiraled out of control the last time he and I were in a relationship, and I can't believe that it could ever be different."

"Can't you?" Rukia asked, calmly. Who was this woman, and what had she done with my obnoxious best friend? She was completely in psychoanalyst mode; psychology majors, I shook my head. She continued, undeterred by my exasperated expression. "What if Grimmjow had also given up everything you had, what if he had changed in many of the same ways as you- would that make a difference?"

"I don't make drastic, important life decisions based on hypotheticals, Rukia." I retorted, knowing where she was taking this conversation. Grimm had all but admitted that he had changed too, but my response to him had been as violent as ever. As consuming.

"So what's the plan then?" she asked, lips twitching into a slight, knowing smile. That smile had the ability to piss me off in T-2 seconds simply because it implied that I was predictable. Easy to read. I hated when people thought that. Friday night I'd gotten pissed at Grimmjow for the same thing.

"Do I have to have a fucking plan? And do you have to ask so many damn questions?" I glared, "Did Renji just call you up to come in as the cavalry and do all of the talking for him? Geez you two are annoying."

"Hey!" Renji burst out, offended, "Actually she called me and I just happened to be coming over here to give you shit for ignoring me all day yesterday! Anyway, you can't blame me for thinking that you were busy with Grimmjow. When you guys were together you couldn't keep your hands off of each other, and you haven't been in contact since. Besides," he rolled his eyes, "you just admitted that you dream about shim too. Don't you think you might have made the wrong call?"

"No." I glared, "I don't. And you can't understand the choice I made because you're not me. End of story."

"Actually," Rukia pointed out, "not 'end of story'. Now you're starting a new story. Start over. You can do that, or at least give it a try. He would want a chance to, I think- or at least the option."

"Yeah, well, I don't think it's quite that easy." I was gradually relaxing again, no longer angry enough to be lively. Rukia stared at me wordlessly for a moment, and Renji just sat there with a crease between his eyebrows that betrayed both his concern and his continued resentment of the addiction I had to Grimm- he wasn't fooling me even if he was fooling himself about that. Rukia stood up, walking over to grab my face firmly in her hands. She stared at me intensely for a moment and I returned her gaze seriously as she searched my face, and when she pulled her hands away and stepped back she was smiling slightly.

"Some things never change. Pull your head out of your butt and try again, you're both older now, things are different."

I watched mutely as she yanked Renji to his feet and pushed him lightly in the direction of the door. As the two of them wandered over to let themselves out, Rukia tossed one last, pointed missile right at me.

"I think you owe it to him."

Bam, target locked and destroyed.

'Target' being any piece of sanity I still pretended to have, that is.

I barely heard the door shut behind them as they disappeared, too busy trying to wrap my mind around Rukia's relentless scrutiny of my relationship with Grimmjow. Or my possible relationship with Grimmjow.

I owed it to him? I didn't owe him anything. He let me leave, he didn't ask me to stay.

But apparently he had loved me. He had expected me to come back.

He hadn't understood why I'd left, that was clear.

Maybe I owed him an explanation, at the least…

But could I take the time to explain without un-shielding myself from him, or would I melt into a puddle of emotional goo and slip into his arms just as I had barely resisted the urge to do every time I'd ever seen him? He had that effect on me; though he'd never been described as 'sweet' per-say, he had been my port in the storm.

That had been one of my issues last time- when Grimmjow was the problem, when he had been the one causing all of the emotional turbulence, I'd had no one else to talk to. I'd simply poured more of myself into him.

And then, before I'd known what was happening, he'd been my whole life.

Once I'd noticed that almost every piece of my life traced back to him, I left to try to be my own person again. I had been afraid of bleeding so completely into him that the lines began to blur. I was afraid of that now, even today: of loving him so much, so completely that nothing else mattered anymore, not a career, not my friends, not my family.

When you put that one thing above all else, when it is suddenly your whole world, the thing you go to in good times or bad, needing comfort or a challenge – that's when you become addicted.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

I called Grimmjow on Tuesday night. I had resisted the urge all day Monday, but had eventually buckled.

When you loved someone, you were willing to sacrifice your own well being for theirs- and in my case, than meant risking a complete meltdown to explain myself to him. Love, at least I could admit that my addiction stemmed from love. And, apparently, we'd both had that part in common all along.

What was life without a little risk, anyway?

"Yo." His voice clipped over the phone, and I barely stopped my bark of laughter.

"You're the president of a company and you still answer you phone 'yo'?" I could just imagine the slow smile that was encompassing his face in the split second pause that followed my words.

"Ya finally called." Yep, there was the smile, there in his voice.

"Yeah, I did." I sighed, then took a jump off the metaphorical cliff. "I feel like I owe you an explanation." The following silence surprised me, since I'd expected a teasing comment or a smug remark. Instead, I was met with a quiet question.

"For what?"

"Leaving." The silence stretched again, as if I managed to surprise him. I didn't think that was possible anymore, but maybe things had changed between us even more than I'd thought.

"I've waited a long time for an answer to that question." His quiet intensity was unnerving even over the phone, and it sent ripples across my skin. He paused only briefly and I heard the shuffling of papers. "Could we meet up Thursday evening? I have to go out of town this weekend but I don't want to wait until next week. Unless ya want to come away with me for a few days…"

It wasn't really a question, simply the same type of challenge that he'd presented over and over again when we'd been together. He knew how I usually responded to a challenge- with hackles raised and pride pushing me to accept. I didn't give in this time though, my experience finally allowing an insurmountable piece of common sense to make the decision for me.

"I tell you what, if we meet up on Thursday and then you go away for the weekend and come back wanting to start over… I'll consider it." It was the best I could do, issue a small challenge in return while also giving myself a weekend to clear my head between our meetings. And a loophole, I noticed wryly, 'I'll consider it' was hardly a statement of undying resolve.

"You'll do more than consider it," he purred, hitting the predatory and seductive octave he'd usually reserved for the bedroom. Those ripples on my skin heightened even more. I almost snorted in self-depreciating amusement; how weak I was to this man. His voice could send body wracking shudders through me even when I couldn't even see his face.

"Take it or leave it Grimmjow." His name slipped out in a smooth buttery tone, and I almost cringed. I usually avoided saying his name out loud unless I was angry, because often I couldn't help but caress it as it spilled from my mouth and I ended up sounding as hopelessly addicted to him as I was.

He noticed, I was sure of it, but decided not to comment as he let me stew for a minute. I knew he would agree, I currently had all the cards in my favor- I had something he wanted, and he couldn't get this information from a secondhand source.

"Okay, text me with the time and place and I'll meet ya there." I let out a puff of air, both in defeat and satisfaction, but I wasn't sure which was more prominent, then he added, "And Ichigo, did ya know that simply hearing your voice over the phone makes me want to strip ya down and remind ya why we were together in the first place? It makes me want to erase the memory of anyone else from your body and your mind by force of will, by replacing it with the irrevocable memory of me." He paused, probably noticing that I'd basically stopped breathing as the images and possibilities flashed through my mind in visual mental pictures. "Just something to think about."

And then he hung up.

The bastard dropped that bomb on me and then left me to stew on it.

If I hadn't already been dreaming up rather imaginative scenes of Grimm and my potential reunion every night when I went to sleep, those words would have made it happen. As it was, I was now adding waking-sex dreams to my sleeping ones.

Bastard. Arrogant, addictive, bone-meltingly sexy bastard.

It really is amazing how quickly exposure can weaken resistance.

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**_A/N:_** Review please :)


	8. Craving

**_A/N:_** I'm going to warn you guys now, there is a terrible cliffhanger at the end of this chapter. I promise I'll try to get the next chapter up soon, final week is almost over and then I'm going home for the holidays! Hopefully I'll wrap up the whole story over the break :)

Anyway, thanks again for the reviews. You readers make me happy

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**Chapter 8 - Craving**

_"And now I have finally seen the end  
(Finally seen the end)"_

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On Wednesday I decided to humor Rukia. I sent her an e-mail saying that Grimmjow was coming over on Thursday night, and if she didn't hear from me by Saturday she had my permission to come drag me out of whatever emotional funk I had entered.

Yes, I said coming over to my house. You think I could have a serious conversation with Grimmjow about how our mind blowing sex life and completely consuming relationship had turned me into an addict while in a public place? Yeah, I don't think I would have even been able to start a conversation like that when I knew people could see or hear me while I was saying it.

Instead, I'd picked the comfort of my apartment, where I was king. Well, sort of. Grimmjow had been here the other day and I'd still almost buckled to the ridiculous pull he had over me, but I figured that was unavoidable.

After e-mailing Rukia I gave Renji a call. He answered pretty quickly.

"Hey man, sorry about the other day. I mean I know we'd talked about how you felt about Grimm before, but then Rukia wanted to come and I had no idea she was going to try to talk you into trying again." Renji burst out, as if he'd been waiting to get that off his chest for days, and I laughed.

"Renji, I've known Rukia for long enough to know that when she has something she wants to say no one is going to stop her." I sighed, "and honestly, it's okay. She was right, I do owe him an explanation. He told me that he'd always expected me to come back… maybe if I'd made it clear to him why I was leaving in the first place we wouldn't be where we are now."

"I doubt you would have been able to explain it to him then" Renji mused, "to be honest I used to wonder if I'd ever get to talk to you like we did before you met him. When you guys were together it was like your entire world revolved around him… I don't think you would have been able to say something to his face that you knew might hurt him unless he'd already pissed you off."

I toyed with that idea in my mind, admitting that I'd probably never started an argument with Grimmjow, but also trying to imagine what I had seemed like to Renji at the time. Though I'd been much the same as I am now, I'd also been dependant on Grimmjow. I didn't NEED to ask his permission to do things, but I'd always run everything by him first. I had only exposed myself to his temper when I had been hoping for rough, make-up sex.

I shuddered at the memory and grunted at Renji.

"Yeah, I suppose you're right." I paused, considering my current situation, "I know every addict says that it will be different the second time, that they have more control and are more aware of their limits. I know it's not a convincing argument, and yet…"

"You're thinking about it." Renji sounded almost disappointed, and I cringed slightly, then tried to explain.

"I know that I'm weak to him, I always have been, but we've talked about this before. It's hard to explain, but I feel like I have more control now. Slightly, sure, but it's mostly just because I'm aware of the pull he has over me. He knows that I've left him before and am capable of doing it again, so I don't think he'd let it get out of hand. I'm going to try to explain my problems from the last time to him, and I guess we'll just go from there."

"Just take care of yourself, I don't want to see you like that again. I like the Ichigo who isn't afraid of anything or anyone, not the Ichigo who can't function without his other half."

"There is definitely a fine line between love, obsession and addiction." Wry, self-depreciating humor. "But thanks Renji. I'll see you this weekend, yeah?"

"Sounds good, later."

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After work on Thursday I meticulously cleaned my apartment, just for something to do with my hands. Grimmjow was coming over around seven, and so I had about an hour after I got home from work before he showed up. When everything was pretty much spotless and I had a load of laundry in the wash, I collapsed in my favorite comfy armchair and wrung my hands nervously.

I had tried to convince Renji that I could do this, that I was prepared to face the potential reality of trying again with Grimmjow. I wanted to try, and I wanted to be okay to try, but I was still unsure.

So much of the past three years I'd been telling myself that I could never see Grimmjow again if I wanted to maintain my sanity. I was convinced that there was nothing good about that relationship. And then I'd seen his face, and after the initial panic, I'd realized I missed him. I realized that even though I'd been swallowed up and lost myself, it was only because I had cared for him too much.

Could I continue to punish myself for that? Punish us both for caring too much and then miss out on a relationship that might be the only one with authentic emotion I ever have? Or would I take a chance, gambling on my own well being, that I was a different person that I'd been the first time? Was it _worth _taking the chance?

I wanted to, but I still had doubts.

Pathetic. I was the one who wanted a chance to explain, so I needed to calm-fucking-down. I took a few deep breaths, focusing on a meditation technique my mom had tried to teach me to help me sleep when I was younger and I'd had a bad dream.

Focusing on my heartbeat, the air filling up and empting from my lungs, I shut my mind down until it was consumed with the most basic of functions.

It must have been later then I thought when I sat down because it felt like no time at all before Grimmjow was knocking on my door. Heart immediately resuming the rapid pace I had finally calmed it down from, I jumped up to get the door.

He stood there, in all his beautiful, business professional glory, smiling. Suits really contrasted the almost predatory look he often had in his eyes, but they also complimented it in a weird way. He probably made a really great businessman- sharks, every one of them. Or panthers.

"Yo." His smile stretched as he looked at me, then he gestured to the apartment behind me as if asking permission to come in. I nodded slightly and stepped aside, barely escaping a full body brush in the doorway that was sure to have melted me into a pile of pathetic want and craving. He strode by as if he'd barely noticed the tension such nearness caused, and wandered over to my couch as if he'd been here a million times.

He folded himself onto it as if he was used to trying to not ruin his suits, but sat with his legs spread and elbows resting on his knees in what I immediately recognized as his impatient pose. Turning to lock my apartment door, I wandered over to the chair I'd been resting in earlier and collapsed onto it with a rather undignified sigh.

He just watched me for a time, and I shifted a little, uncomfortable under his scrutiny. All I could think when I met his eyes was his parting statement of our last face-to-face meeting. Or the suggestive comments from the telephone call, my libido added silkily.

My body constantly betrayed me when I was around Grimmjow- at least some things were predictable in my life.

"So," I finally gathered the courage to own up to my addiction, difficult as it was to admit to when one was talking to the source. "I promised you an explanation, but first I have to ask." I leaned forward intently, gaze finally meeting his full on. "If you really don't know why I left, why do you think I left?"

His stare intensified for a moment, before he leaned back and threw his arms over the back of the couch. He consumed the space in my apartment with his aura alone, but watching his body stretched out across my couch consumed me in an entirely different way. I shook myself out of the daze to focus on his response.

"How was I supposed to know, ya just said ya were leaving and you'd seemed kind of stressed. Could have been family trouble, could have been me." he looked at me intently again before gesturing between us. "Had I known that it was something I'd done, as it's obvious to me now, I never would have let ya go without an explanation in the first place. I never expected ya to stay away for years."

"Yeah, you said that last time," I sighed, raking my hands through my hair, "and it's really not as personal as you might think."

"Then why waste the effort to avoid me and all associated with me for years?" The question was a taunt, and I'm ashamed to say that I rose to it.

"It took me three years to see that it's not anyone's fault, okay? So don't make this personal. I, I…" I stumbled over what direction I wanted to go next, how I could possibly explain… then I just relented, blurting out the truth as I tried to melt away into the couch in shame. "I was dangerously addicted to you, Grimm, to the lifestyle we were living. I needed to get out."

He stared at me intently while I tried to avoid his gaze; when I heard a soft, thoughtful rumbling coming from his throat, my eyes immediately met his.

"So it was the marijuana of all things?" His gaze was searching, and slightly confused. He knew that I'd never been reluctant or hesitant about smoking, that I'd never been ashamed, so it made sense the idea would confuse him.

"No, but yeah, sort of." I couldn't find a way to explain that didn't reveal exactly how much Grimmjow was still inside me. "Ah fuck it." I murmured, eyes clashing fully with his for the first time all night with no intention of looking away. If I was going to do this, I was damn well going to do it right.

"When I say addicted to the lifestyle, I can't deny that smoking was a part of it. Smoking was obviously not such a great idea for pursuing a career, but it wasn't why I felt like I had to leave." I took a deep breath; staring into Grimmjow's eyes was threatening to unnerve me, but I didn't relent. He deserved the truth, I owed him that. "You, you are why I left, but it wasn't your fault. I had become so… dependant on you. My entire life had been wrapped around you, and your apartment and your friends. I woke up every morning wanting to see your face and fell asleep every night dreaming about it. I let my friendship with Renji and Rukia slip on the back burner as I consumed myself with the exotic pull of our relationship.

"I was seduced by everything you offered at first, the erotic possibilities of being with a man, the lifestyle associated with smoking… but soon it was your eyes, you hair, you laugh. All of those things tied me irrevocably to you.

"And then one day, I woke up to reality. We had an argument, one I doubt you remember because it was pointless, and you snapped that I needed to 'take a hit and chill the fuck out'. Those words had echoed in my head that night, and all of the sudden I saw my life for what it was, and where it was headed." I paused, closing my eyes, before raising them back to meet Grimmjow's. I had seen confusion there as I spoke, but it was followed by comprehension and an intensity that I couldn't quite match to an emotion, but right now those azure eyes were rapt with attention. I tried to focus on making my point, hoping he could understand, eager to end the moment of soul-bearing honesty and lay all my cars on the table.

"I would have given up any hopes, dreams, family or friends for you. I was addicted, consumed by everything that our lifestyle was, and I needed distance to regain any sense of self I still had." I paused, too one last deep breath, and admitted:

"I needed to leave you if I wanted to salvage myself."

There. I had said it, and it felt good. It felt TRUE. Being honest always gave me the deepest sense of satisfaction, especially when I felt like I'd been holding something in for such a long time. Three fucking years it had taken me to find myself in the place I was now, looking at Grimmjow and actually physically and emotionally resisting the urge to jump back into his arms.

I was in control of myself, even though I knew exactly what it felt like to press my lips up against his. What it felt like to bite down on the tendons where his neck met his shoulder, what it felt like to run my tongue down the ripples in his abs. I could think about those things and still meet the striking blue eyes that hadn't left my face for a second since he'd walked into my apartment.

I was stronger, I was in control, but I was also still weak to him.

And then Grimmjow laughed. I couldn't help but flinch in surprise, I hadn't seen amusement anywhere in his eyes while I'd been talking and couldn't understand where it came from. What was funny about me losing myself to him? I flushed, though I wasn't sure yet whether to be embarrassed or irritated. I waited for the laughter to subside and watched him clamp a hand across his eyes as he leaned back into the couch heavily.

"Ichigo, what you've been calling addiction… you know it's love right?"

The way he asked it was so straightforward, so blunt, that for a second I just watched him. Eventually he slipped the hand covering his eyes away and looked at me pointedly.

"Being consumed by someone, weak to their every action, word and touch… it means that you love them. That you would move the earth for them." His smile turned sweet, just for a second, and I almost smiled back as my embarrassed irritation melted away.

"I know."

He took that in for a moment, tilting his head thoughtfully, and then laid down on my couch in one smooth motion. His tall frame and broad shoulders consumed what I had always thought of as a decent size sitting area; he made it look no bigger than a loveseat as his legs rested over the armrest opposite the one he was using as a pillow. I let him lay there, sensing him thinking and knowing he wasn't done talking yet. He had always done his thinking lying down, and for a split second I wondered if he had a couch in his office at work so that he could brainstorm laying down there too.

"The other stuff, the lifestyle…" he sighed, mood turned slightly sour, "I was caught up in it too. An escape from the reality I was so determined not to face. Maybe we were just too young, too naïve, too susceptible to weakness, pursuing frivolous desires and momentary pleasures." He turned his head from the ceiling to look at me. "Maybe we just needed time to grow up."

His point was clear: we're older now, we won't make those mistakes again, so let's try again.

"You think?" I asked curiously, "You're sure that it won't head in that direction again? Because I can't even look at you and not remember how out of control I used to be."

His eyes flashed with lust, a response I hadn't expected. He'd been doing such a good job of maintaining his distance and not threatening my sanity that I had forgotten to keep my guard up. Suddenly he was standing right in front of me, hands on each side of me resting on the chair's armrests, trapping me under his towering frame. His face was intent, measuring my response, before he tsked at me. Leaning down to whisper in my ear, Grimmjow his voice rolled out in a velvety purr.

"You'd do better not to keep reminding me how 'out of control' I make ya, it does wonderful things to me to know exactly how much I affect ya still." His breath brushed my ear, so close that I barely dared to breathe in fear of closing the space between his skin and mine. He chuckled slightly and leaned away, removing his arms and moving to pace about the room. "You're already more in control than ya used to be, don't tell me ya can't see that. I would have had ya crawling all over me by now."

I flushed slightly at the image, and he chuckled knowingly.

"If it makes ya feel any better, I'm barely resisting the urge to see if ya taste as good as I remember. Not that I can remember it exactly right anymore, it's been so long…" He trailed off and laughed outright this time as I flushed completely red. Irritated, I stood and stalked over to him, poking a finger in his chest.

"Hey, asshole, just because I haven't managed to stop my body from craving you doesn't mean that I'm just going to bend over and resign myself to it now that you're here. You haven't won me back yet- you haven't proved anything would be different."

"Oh, but I could make you enjoy bending over for me." Grimmjow growled with a predatory grin, grabbing the finger I'd been poking him with and yanking me forward by it until I was flush against him. I groaned at the contact, I couldn't help it, and his smile only widened.

He had gotten even more solid in the years we'd been apart; I supposed both of us had as we'd gotten older. This close I could see the tiny wrinkles around his eyes that were probably forming from stress, but they were still nestled in beautiful smooth skin, in smoothness that I knew extended all parts of his defined frame.

Speaking of his body, my hands had unconsciously flown to grab his biceps when he'd tugged me to him, and the treacherous hands were now caressing the muscles in small circles as I stared up into his face. Like I said – I hadn't managed to stop my body from craving him. Even if I did try to start over with him, it would take all of my self control to resist falling into the pathetic person I had been just a few years ago. I knew that, he knew that, and yet he still wanted to test the limits.

Or, maybe he was just trying to prove that I had the power to resist? Who knew.

"Grimm, wanting you was never the problem." I breathed on a sigh, not bothering to even try to pull away- we both knew I didn't want to. I'd forgotten how nice it felt to be this close to him, to look up into those azure blue depths and feel almost small. At 5'10'' I was hardly short, but Grimmjow stood a powerful 6'2'' that never failed to make me melt when I stared up at him.

"And yet, it was the problem. You seem to be under the false interpretation that you were the only one without control," his eyes were burning with intensity, and I was captivated by them as much as his body as he leaned his face down to mine. So close that his breath fanned my lips, taunting. "I can assure you: every time I saw you naked my knees got weak. Your smile had the power to change my mood entirely. Even listening to your mindless chatter about your retarded father had become so much a part of my life that I missed it when you left."

I shivered again, unaware that my head had tilted back slightly in invitation, lips gravitating to what they had always known as their matching set. Grimmjow groaned just slightly as I let my arms drift up to his hair, the silky locks that had always been my favorite. I grinned up at him, loving the temporary moment of control and clarity.

"Hey, Grimmjow? I think I'd like you to remind me exactly why trying this again is such a good idea."

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_**A/N:**_ Can't say I didn't warn you about the cliff-hanger :P

REVIEW! please :)


	9. Enabling

_**A/N:**_ Hey guys, I'm really sorry this chapter took me so long! We've finally caught the posting up with my writing; aka things won't be going up quite as fast as I'd like because I've got to finish writing the next few chapters.

It shouldn't be too bad though :)

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**Chapter 9 -Enabling**

_"But I have finally seen the light  
(Finally seen the light)  
I have finally realized  
(Realized)  
_  
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Grimmjow really did have a tendency to go all out when he was trying to make a point, though I suppose I asked for it.

Somehow, after the first brief touch of lips, we'd gotten a bit carried away.

Slightly dazed, I was pinned on my back as Grimmjow hovered above me on the couch. Hands holding mine captive above my head as his lips devoured mine, his tongue feasting on my mouth as I tried to fight to maintain some semblance of control. He let his lower body brush roughly, but briefly, up against mine a few times, sending sparks flashing through me at the familiar pleasure, but he'd mostly been focusing his attention on my lips.

He was taunting, teasing me as he kept his lips restrained only to my face and his hands occupied containing mine.

I wanted more.

After realizing that I couldn't find anyone to stir interest in my body after Grimmjow, I'd been reduced to gaining pleasure only by myself. Now that he was touching me… I'd come to realize Grimmjow was as much a part of my as my genetic composition: in ways I'd never quite understand or be able to unwind, his presence inside me was irrevocable.

A rational part of me was thrilled that he wasn't pushing too far, even though my arousal was headed into overdrive.

It had been a long time since I'd indulged in a good make out session- during the last few years I'd definitely underestimated how fantastic they could be. Lips, tongue, teeth… the teasing pressure and the play for control…

Bliss.

Or maybe it was only this good because it was Grimmjow... Possible. Hell, probable.

After God only knew how long, we all knew I wasn't capable keeping track of time, Grimm pulled his face back from mine and smirked down at me. We stared at each other, faces still inches away, breathing heavily in an attempt to gather all the air we'd forgotten was important. A good kiss, or twenty, could do that to a person.

My lips twitched as my eyes sought to rememorize every intimate line and detail of his face, and then his smile stretched, and soon we were smiling at each other like complete idiots. Grimm lifted off of me slowly, moving to stand next to the couch and tugging carefully at his pants with a wry expression.

"I think I managed to wrinkle my suit bad enough it's going to have to go to the dry cleaners tomorrow." I laughed in genuine amusement at the expression on his face, and focused on regaining some of my own composure as I slipped off the couch to stand next to him. He watched me like a predator, unable to hide the effect his arousal had on the blue of his eyes as they flashed a darker shade of sapphire. "But I think it's an acceptable casualty."

Grimmjow stepped towards me, as if to move in for another kiss, but I backed away and lifted my hands.

"Oh no, I asked for a reminder, which you gave quite… skillfully, but I think you should go." Again, the expression on his face was comical, this time in disbelief, and I fought the urge to kiss him senseless. However, I was testing the boundaries of my self control, still judging my ability to resist, and so I sighed and explained, though I couldn't fight my twitching lips. "I hardly think it's going to help either of us if we just… jump right back into it. Besides, you're going out of town this weekend- if we go any further now I won't be able to do anything at all other than think about you. Which would just piss me off."

"You'd better be thinking about me all weekend anyway," Grimmjow stalked closer, ignoring that I tried to step out of his way as he pulled me toward him, and suddenly I was held captive inches from his face. Distracted by his eyes, as I always was, I didn't noticed one skillful hand slipping down to boldly caress the front of my pants until it was already there. I stiffened, biting my lip to keep back a groan; I was already half hard just from our kissing, even though I'd been doing my best to ignore it. As his hand brushed firmly across my length, he watched my face. I flushed, puffing out a sharp breath of air at the contact, but didn't back down from the challenge in his eyes.

Instead, I issued my own form of torture- one I knew was bound to torment him in return. Besides, what fun was it if I was the only one struggling to maintain my self control?

"You know, not a single person besides me has touched that since you did. That was three years ago." I had been pissed about that; I'd felt betrayed by my own body. However, the almost shameful admission was worth every bit my pride might have suffered the minute Grimmjow's eyes flew open in surprise. Assessing my face for a moment, as if trying to figure out if I was serious, he finally groaned and removed his hand to step away.

"God, don't say things like that if ya want me to hold back." His voice was so raw that I couldn't help but laugh, delighted by my success, which only made him glare. "I'm serious, don't taunt me. I've been imagining a chance to try again for years… to this day there's no one I've wanted more than I want ya."

I wasn't used to Grimm admitting his feelings for me so… openly. It turned me on in a way that I hadn't expected.

We'd never really done much talking about our relationship, or the future, when we'd been together the first time. In hindsight, a lot of my own issues would probably have been non-issues had Grimmjow and I been able to open up to each other about things like that. Hearing him say such obviously emotional things… it was such a different side of him that it intrigued me, as well as turned me on.

The flash in my eyes hadn't escaped his notice.

"Oh, do ya like hearing me say that? Just like I absolutely love hearing ya admit that your self-control almost completely evaporates around me?" he slid closer once again, whispering, "What if I say 'I love ya' again?"

I groaned and shoved him lightly, but seriously, further away from the danger zone that was my personal space.

"Just go away or we're just going to end up taunting each other all night, until one of us buckles and we end of having a bout of hot and heavy make-up sex in my living room."

"I'm down if you are," Grimmjow grinned rakishly, but he relented under my reproachful stare, "Ok, ok- we can save the bout of make-up sex for next Friday, my place. But first, we'll go grab drinks with the guys."

"I'll leave the sex option on the table, but I'd love to go to Departures again next week," I ushered him firmly toward the door and Grimmjow smiled ruefully over his shoulder at me as he went.

"Make-up sex on the table, huh? I'd better buy a sturdier table." His teasing tone help a serious undertone that had me punching him lightly on the shoulder. Embarrassed but smiling, I leaned up to give him a kiss goodbye at the door. If I was going to test my self-control with Grimmjow, I was going to allow myself to enjoy it- which meant all the kissing I could handle.

I had three years of withdrawal to make up for, after all.

We lingered there for longer than I'd planned, lips slowly re-familiarizing themselves and hands barely resisting the urge to caress familiar but changed bodies. It was Grimmjow who pulled away, stepping back out the now open apartment door and smiling genuinely, easily, at me in a way that made me question whether this had all been another of my dreams.

"I'll talk to ya next week strawberry." He smiled, reaching out to brush a hand across my cheek in one smooth motion and, as I turned my head to plant a playful kiss on his fingers, I watched his eyes flare with heat. It was amazing how easily our bodies, if nothing else, had recognized the other immediately, adapting too easily to behaviors from the past.

"Bye Grimm," I whispered, and then shut the door firmly in his charming, captivating and absolutely predatory face.

If I'd hadn't shut the door when I did, we'd have stood there saying goodbye for ages.

… Which would eventually have led to more kissing, and then me dragging him back inside. Damn man had probably been counting on it.

And yet, I can't deny that part of me was very intrigued with the idea of stripping off that suit and getting a thorough look at this older businessman- he was almost a stranger to me now in some ways, and I didn't want him to be.

I wanted him, just like I always had. Even when I'd been trying desperately to figure out who I was, having escaped our first attempt at relationship, I couldn't deny that I wanted him. That hurricane of a relationship had left me feeling pathetic, lost and consumed, though I'd noticed too late. It had swept me up and away, overwhelmed and flooded me, until I had no resistance left to him. Though now, it seemed to be different.

I turned around and leaned against the door, sliding down until I was sitting back against it on the floor. We'd talked, I'd explained, and he still loved me. And he obviously still wanted me.

He had said I was stronger, that things were already different or I would have succumbed to him already. I knew there was truth in that, but I wasn't sure I could trust myself not to succumb completely.

I could tell that I would easily be swept into the same addictive behaviors as I had the last time, so I needed to be cautious. Take things slow.

… And all types of other things that were impossible to put in the same sentence as Grimmjow Jaegerjaques.

I laughed out loud, admitting (at least inside my head) that it was highly unlikely that I would be able to resist getting swept away again. But it was hard to care, after seeing his face and feeling that same pull that had attracted me before. Even more captivating, Grimmjow was now a different man than the one I'd known- driven and successful in contrast to the lazily seductive man of the past.

I wanted to know this man, I wanted to understand what made him tick. I wanted to delve inside of him and get answers to the myriad questions that were raised every time I got a hint of this slightly different, older Grimmjow. But beyond all that, he was the same. Those eyes burned the same holes trough me and left me feeling so stripped bare that I could barely keep my thoughts straight. That same confident, almost cocky, body language that had always succeeded in making my blood run hot- in both arousal and irritation. He was the man who could make me want to melt on my knees in front of him and yet still called out my rebellious urges.

I was already lost.

This time, however, I was determined to keep my balance. I knew there was no way I'd get him to go away, and that I didn't have the strength to leave him again. So I needed to balance my job, friends, and Grimmjow- all three were important, and I couldn't let either one suffer.

With that determined thought in my head, I went to go take a shower and get ready for bed. It would probably a cold one if I couldn't drag my mind away from the blue haired man who had always been too large a part of my life.

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I called Rukia Friday morning to let her know that all was fine, and in hopes to prevent a visit from her on Saturday. She'd had more questions that I had answers to, and seemed more concerned than I'd expected.

"Are you sure everything ok?" She'd asked for the hundredth time before we said goodbye, "You sound very…" she trailed off, as if she was afraid to say what she was thinking. Hesitant, that was unlike her.

"Rukia," I sighed, "didn't you want me to try again?"

"Well I certainly wanted you to explain, and see him again. I didn't think you would actually-"

"What did you expect would happen when I came face to face with him again?" I interrupted, "That I'd have strong backbone and kick him out? I've never had that sort of strength when he's around."

"I thought it was a possibility," It was her turn to sigh. "I just want you to take care of yourself. If you think you can handle him, then I'm not going to stop you, but please be careful. Don't stretch yourself too thin."

"One of the reasons we had such a problematic relationship last time was that we didn't talk about our feelings. I didn't know that he loved me, and after I told him how I felt I left. We only talked emotions when we were pissed or in fits of blind jealousy. This time… it's different. It's like what we had last time wasn't a relationship, just a connection of needs and wants and it was all consuming. This time… we're older."

"Being older doesn't always mean you're wiser." Rukia muttered, but I could hear the concern in her voice and I smiled slightly.

"Rukia, can't you tell that things are different? I'm talking to people about Grimm, that's already a change. Besides right now we have other things in our lives besides each other- different work, different friends..." I sounded confident, just like I'd hoped, but I couldn't deny that deep down I had doubts too. How could I not? He was my personal drug after all.

Our conversation ended when I promised for the hundredth time that I'd keep in touch, and then I went to work.

Everyone there seemed to be glad that I was no longer the mute, withdrawn guy I'd been all week, though no one actually commented on it. I think they were so afraid to ask what the cause had been that curiosity about what had changed my mood for the better was minor, and I wasn't about to bring it up. In less than a month of seeing Grimmjow in the flesh, it was already obvious to me that I was better off facing the challenge of trying to fit Grimmjow in my life than struggling along without him.

Or at least I preferred it, regardless of what was truly 'better' for me. Phrases like that are so relative.

When I returned home from work, feeling both lighter and more burdened than a few days ago, I collapsed on my couch in a sigh.

Immediately, images of being trapped there underneath Grimmjow assaulted my brain.

Beautiful, taunting images that tempted me in ways they shouldn't.

Images that taunted me to take care of a heightened arousal that they were causing in my pants… it took all of my willpower to resist following that train of thought all the way to sweet completion. How pathetic it would feel to give Grimmjow the satisfaction of invading my sexual fantasies during my waking hours AND my sleeping ones. I, ever the pig-headed stubborn asshole (more self-depreciating humor), wasn't going to give in and give him the satisfaction.

So instead I'd suffer until I could get my mind away from his seductive lips and voice, his addicting blue gaze that never hesitated to collide fully with mine…

Instead, I called Shinji to see if he wanted to do a little shopping and go to dinner.

A little retail therapy never hurt, right?

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_**A/N:** _Revieww

Please :)


	10. Tolerance

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**Chapter 10 - Tolerance**

_"I need your love  
I need your love"_

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"Heya Ichigo," Shinji was standing downstairs on the sidewalk outside my apartment when I exited the building, his hands shoved in his pockets and a grin firmly in place. His grin was always the first thing someone noticed when meeting Hirako Shinji, since it seldom left his face. Though, it didn't quite have the same effect on me as Grimm's did, either because Grimmjow had a very unique effect on me or because Shinji's grin wasn't predatory, just creepily happy.

Or maybe both.

"Hey," I smiled easily and slipped into place beside him on the street. Shinji and I had met a few years ago, after I'd moved to the city, and we'd gotten along right away. Generally I avoided making snap judgments based on what someone looks like, with my hair I'd felt like I'd never had the right, so the grin had never fazed me. Our first conversation had mostly consisted of me telling him to stop smiling at me like an idiot, to which he'd only laughed and pestered me as he prodded for information on me. Nosy, but genuine, I'd liked him from the beginning. His kind of off-beat personality reminded me of a strange blend between Renji and my dad's long time best friend Kisuke Urahara- blunt, loyal, occasionally stupid, but also surprisingly wise beyond his years. I had no trouble falling into an easy friendship, especially when I hadn't had either Grimmjow or Renji around to fill that gap.

I'd never gotten around to explaining about Grimmjow in particular, since I'd done my best to avoid ever talking about him, but Shinji knew that I'd moved to the city to end a self-destructive relationship. Now that Grimmjow appeared to be once again a prominent part of my life, I felt that I owed Shinji a bit more by way of details.

Not that I wanted to give into that particular feeling, mind you.

I was entirely sure that Shinji, of all people, would adamantly encourage me not to return to something that had caused me problems in the past. But then again, he'd also never seen me with Grimmjow, so he really couldn't understand what it meant when I said I had been addicted.

Regardless, I wasn't necessarily eager to start the conversation.

As always, Shinji seemed to have this eerie way of knowing that I needed him to relax me before I could get around to talking about whatever I needed to talk about. He chattered on as we walked toward our favorite street to shop- the slightly trendy but offbeat clothing offered just outside the main downtown area.

"Do you want to come out with me next Friday?" I finally blurted, interrupting Shinji mid-sentence. He'd been complaining about Hiyori again- his step sister who had insisted on living with him when she'd moved to the city after graduating from college last year. I hadn't been paying attention; he complained about her so often that I'd gotten into the habit of tuning him out.

"S'only Friday now, yer thinkin pretty far ahead Ichi." Shinji raised a curious eyebrow as we slipped into his favorite store 'Purple Velvet'. He loved all their vintage tee shirts, though I was usually drawn to all their accessories and odd items.

Eclectic knick-knacks and clothes, just our style.

"Yeah, well, I thought you might like to meet some of my old friends." I muttered, trying hard not to meet his gaze and watch the gears turn as he realized what I was implying. There was a brief pause, and then Shinji's face was suddenly right in front of mine.

"Are ya sayin what I think ya are?" he asked, looking more surprised than curious. I ran my hand through my hair idly and stepped away from the blonde, trying to regain some of my personal space by moving to the other side of a table of shirts and staring idly at them.

"Yeah, I guess I am."

"Sounds interestin. I'm in." Shinji knew when to pry and when not to, it was yet another one of the things I liked about him. Bringing Shinji would be a reminder to maintain my balance, since it was so easily overthrown by a certain blue haired man.

Satisfied, I nodded my head and let out a relieved sigh as we turned our attention back to shopping.

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Friday was clearly going well for me: I managed to resist buying the whole store AND Shinji hadn't prodded me with questions that I didn't have answers for.

Unlike my other two closest friends, those who made my personal life their business, Shinji generally operated on a "you talk, I'll listen" definition of emotional and personal sharing. Words cannot explain how important that was during the past few years. God knew I wouldn't have maintained sanity if I had to answer questions about Grimmjow whenever someone asked how I was feeling about everything- especially when I was trying hard to distract myself.

While shopping and eating, we hadn't talked about Grimmjow at all. We chatted about work and clothes and Shinji's adventures out on the town with his friend Kensei. All mentions of him made me wonder how on earth he and Shinji could ever be friends- they were clearly very different people in both personality and interest. Somehow, however, they seemed to understand each other in a way and often went out to the bars together. That mystery might never be solved, but I listened eagerly to him as he told pointlessly amusing stories while we ate. After we'd enjoyed a nice dinner, Shinji had come over to watch some cheap action flick on late night TV and then he'd crashed at my place.

Oddly, Shinji was one of the few people I let sleep in my bed. First of all, he is nearly impossible to say no to. I may be known for my stubbornness, but even I couldn't turn down Shinji- his persistence far outweighed any hope to deny him. Second, that same "you talk, I'll listen" policy of his was alarmingly unassuming. He'd slipped into my life rather quickly for multiple reasons, and I would be lying if I didn't admit that my loneliness had been a part of it, but he'd stayed because he was an honest and genuine friend.

Which caused me to be rather unguarded around him, and possibly because of that, I slept well when he was there. However, I usually didn't dream when he was around.

I'd probably never live down waking up Shinji in the middle of the night…

_"Oi, Ichi! Wake up!" I'd felt someone shaking me, but my mind was caught in the deep pull of a dream that was reluctant to let go. I remembered the shock, the haunting feeling that something terrible was happening, and a vision of blue that seemed to always be present in my nocturnal mind. A last hard shake and I finally opened my eyes._

_"What the hell Shinji?" I asked dozily, noting his face hover above mine, grin unusually absent._

_"Ya've been thrashin around in bed for long 'nough to wake me up, and we all know how hard tha is." Shinji assessed me thoroughly, as if looking for damage. Shinji slept like the dead, so for me to have woken him up I must have been quite… active._

_"Must have been that last beer, gave me nightmares." I brushed it off, "Sorry Shin."_

_"S'not me I'm worried 'bout." He was still looking at me with far too much intensity. I rolled over to face the opposite direction and tried to verbally and physically brush him off, unsettled by both his intensity and the dream that still hovered on the edge of my subconscious._

_"It was just a dream, it happens." I gave a pseudo-shrug, the best I could do lying down, and closed my eyes purposefully._

_"Ichi, you kept saying 'Grimmjow'," he said, very quietly. I wasn't surprised, since Grimm was often part of my dreams, but I still didn't like the idea of him being in my nightmares._

_"Shinji, I've had nightmares where you've sicced a horde of rabid bunnies on the town. My brain dreams up some crazy shit when I'm asleep, but I haven't been worried that you're secretly procuring rabbits." I sighed, rolling back over to make eye contact. He looked torn with indecision. I knew he wanted to pry, wanted to ask who Grimmjow was, but he wouldn't. Shinji would wait for me to explain. _

_And I would have to, if I intended to drag him with me to Departures next week. _

_I sighed and reached over to place a hand on his shoulder for a brief moment before rolling back to face the wall._

_"I'll explain tomorrow. Go back to sleep, Shinji."_

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Tomorrow had come too soon for my liking, and facing my blonde friend across the table was sheer torture. His eyes were quite serious today, even though his lips were unable to fight their inevitable smile, and his gaze was making me fidget. For the first time, I wished he would ask instead of waiting for me to tell. I sighed and played with my cereal as I ate it before finally I relented.

"Grimmjow is the guy I was in a relationship with my last year of college. He's the guy who I was addicted to. I dream about him pretty much all the time," I shrugged slightly as I took a bite of cereal, chancing a glance at Shinji where he sat sipping his tea. His eyebrows were raised curiously, but somehow he knew I wasn't done. "Grimmjow showed up in my life again this month." I paused and glanced at the door that led to my living room, before turning back to my cereal with a very slight smile. "If Thursday night was any indication, it's likely we're going to be reacquainting more permanently soon."

I finished my bowl of cereal in relative silence, interrupted only by the occasional slurp of Shinji finishing his tea. I had nothing else to add really, he knew enough from previous conversations to piece together all of the relevant information. When I stood to go rinse my bowl in the sink he didn't stop me, but when I was done and I turned back around his grin was firmly in place. His sparkling eyes were finally lit with something akin to interest and amusement, though I knew Shinji was probably feeling more than what he let me see.

"So yer headin for a relapse, ay?" There was concern behind the teasing comment, so I snorted in amusement.

"Well, more like I'm hoping that I've acquired a moderate tolerance."

"Hopin ain't gonna do ya much good." Shinji pointed out, "But I s'ppose a few years apart and a few years of growth ain't gonna hurt yer chances."

I laughed, and took his empty tea cup to the sink to rinse it out too. That is exactly why I love Shinji.

"You're going to hate him." I pointed out, "You'll think he's arrogant, pushy and self-centered."

"Ya never know," Shinji grinned, "He have any hot friends? Better be a perk to taggin along wit cha Friday."

"You've always had weird taste in men Shinji, how am I supposed to guess who you're going to hit it off with?" I shook my head, "Though there are a bunch of guys, so the odds are in your favor. Just please, for the love of God, don't even think about liking Renji."

"Gah, not my type." Shinji stuck his tongue out in mock disgust, "too clingy n' shit. I like'm tall n' self-sufficient."

"Whatever. Are you going to get the hell out of my place so I can laze around my apartment in peace on my day off?"

"Don't wanna. I think I'll stick wit ya for the day." Shinji grinned, springing up from his seat at the table and bouncing off into the living room. "I think there's a marathon of Law n' Order on t'day. Or maybe 'merica's Next Top Model is onnn…"

I'd followed him through the apartment, torn between a laugh and a groan as he made himself comfortable on my couch and picked up the remote to control my TV. Then again, it wasn't like I had any real plans for Saturday anyway… so I plopped into my arm chair and settled in for what was sure to be a brain-melting day of television.

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The week passed much quicker than I expected, at least until Friday morning when I got Grimmjow's text:

_Strawberry,_

_I've been thinking bout ya all week. Wish ya would have come away with me for the weekend, there was a hot spring next door to my hotel and I would have loved to go with ya… instead I just dreamed about it._

_I'm still looking forward to makeup sex on the table._

_See you tonight,_

_Grimm_

Now, the day couldn't go by fast enough since it was exponentially more challenging to drag my mind away from tonight.

Shinji was coming over to my place around six and then we were going to head over to Departures together from there. Shinji had a car, and since he wasn't big on drinking he'd offered to drive. The little doubts were still there, and it was comforting to know that I had a ride home whenever I wanted to go if I needed to escape. Not that it was really a prime concern, one just liked to be prepared for a self-control meltdown that might make me feel like running.

Not that I really thought Grimmjow would let me get away with that again, even if I'd wanted to.

I was also pretty sure that, once I was faced with the opportunity, I wouldn't deny myself the chance to reacquaint myself with all aspects of Grimmjow. Did that make me weak? This would be only my fourth time even seeing him in person over the last three years, and yet my body eagerly approved of any potential physical contact I would make with Grimmjow- it practically begged for more.

And mentally, I wasn't that far behind.

Though I really did doubt my willpower, I knew the only way to really test it was to throw myself back into the fire. Balls to the wall, as Renji used to say when we were in college. It had potential to be destructive, unsurprisingly, since it involved a potentially addictive substance…

But, maybe, aging really had developed a tolerance?

Maybe it really had been all about timing: right place but wrong time- but now right place and right time?

Grimmjow's arms had certainly always FELT like the right place…

There was only one way to find out, and it involved a lot of things that had my body wound up tighter than a cord of rope. I think even a brush from Grimmjow's velvet smooth skin would set me on fire, but as long as relief was promised by night's end, I figured I could stick it out.

I sent a return text when I was leaving work at five, and I guessed it would leave quite an impact.

_Grimm,_

_I thought about you too. I'm bringing my friend Shinji with tonight, but I told him that I won't need a ride home._

_Don't make me a liar._

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At exactly 6 o'clock Shinji was at my door. I had just read Grimmjow's response and hadn't quite had time to hide my anticipatory flush before I answered the door.

"Hot n bother'd already Ichi?" Shinji teased, his usual slim tie in place over his white shirt and jeans. He collapsed onto my couch, where we'd wasted away last Saturday, and raised an eyebrow.

"So 'm I still yer escape from the clutches of yer evil, 'ddictive suitor or are ya lookin to do some seducin yerself now?" He asked, I'm guessing, because it was obvious which route I'd decided to take. Dressed in my tightest pair of black jeans and a close-fitting dark, royal blue v-neck, I wasn't dressed for business- blue was one of his favorite colors, after all.

Though it had been a while, I not only knew what Grimmjow's personal tastes were, but I knew his favorite things about me. My white belt contrasted just so with the rest of my outfir, and I knew that together everything presented all of my attributes perfectly.

"I'm guessing I won't need a ride home tonight Shinji." I smiled slightly, nervous even though I knew that I was finally going to relieve some of the ridiculously built up sexual tension I had developed over the last few years. The question still remained whether or not I'd be able to retain any sense of self once I'd stripped down and literally bared everything to Grimmjow.

_"Ya seem to be under the false interpretation that ya were the only one without control"_

He'd said that the last time I'd mentioned how lost I felt around him, and if that was true at least we were in this together this time- not just physically, but emotionally too. I thought I could handle that.

At least I hoped I could.

"Let's go."

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_**A/N:**_ I'M SO SORRY that this took me so long. With winter break road trips and family time and then the beginning of a new term things have been crazy, but I've finally got this chapter done.

Thanks for sticking with me! Please review :)


	11. Relapse

_**A/N:**_ Hey guys! Less than a month later... not that bad honestly, all things considering haha. I'm sorry I take forever to upload, but I can honestly say I am really happy with this chapter. I hope you guys enjoy it as much as I enjoyed writing it!

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**Chapter 11 - Relapse**

_"Come to me,  
Just in a dream  
Come on and rescue me."_

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Most of the time, I'm a fairly intelligent guy. And though I certainly do have my idiotic moments, this wasn't one of them, because the minute that I crossed the threshold into Departures, I knew that there was no turning back.

I was under no illusion; I was presenting myself with the potential failure that was a rekindled relationship with Grimmjow. But I had committed myself to this path, whether it would end in destruction or not. I wanted him, I wanted what we could have, and I didn't want to wait any more.

Possible self-destruction be-damned.

It was a good thing that I'd solidified my resolve because, when I turned the corner toward the section of seating that our group inhabited, I was immediately aware of Grimmjow's intense aura. It was like a sixth sense, that odd tingling that began crawling up my arms giving me goosebumps.

"Ichigo!" Renji greeted, pulling my gaze away from the backside of a blue head of hair to Renji's contrasting red as he stood to greet us. Shinji and I made our way over to the circle of cozy red chairs without any hesitancy, but I had to make a conscious effort to keep my body language casual.

"Hey." I smiled slightly at him and then I gestured to the group. "Guys, this is my friend Shinji. Shinji, meet Renji, Yumichika, Ikkaku, Shūhei, Nnoitra, Starrk, and Grimmjow."

Shinji grinned at the guys seated around, eyes pausing momentarily on Nnoitra before they drifted over to Grimmjow. Grimm, of course, was simply sitting there staring at me in a way that was making my skin tingle in anticipation. Shinji stuck out his hand, directing Grimmjow's gaze away from me. He assessed the blonde, and then a grin stretched across his face as he extended his hand "Sup."

Watching them I was overwhelmed with the strangest sense that I had just initiated the final step of blending together my old life with my new life. It was weird but welcome, and I collapsed in the chair next to Grimmjow with a deep breath that was suspiciously similar to a resigned sigh. Shinji nodded thoughtfully, but moved over to an empty seat between Nnoitra and Starrk and wasted no time beginning to chat amiably with the others. I simply watched him for a moment, trying to decide whether I should join the conversation to smooth over any tension, but things seemed to be settling in just fine. I felt Renji cast me a hesitant look, his concern tangible, but I shot him a smile and stood abruptly to get myself a drink.

I made it to the bar and ordered, leaning forward onto the bar with something akin to tension and anticipation keeping my spine rigid. I was excited by the opportunities that lay ahead, of course, but the looming fear of a repeat of Grimm and my last relationship attempt was haunting my mind.

I didn't get much time to contemplate further, or to wallow in any form of regret, because I wasn't at the bar alone for more than ten seconds.

Grimmjow slid up behind me, planting his hands on either side on my body on the bar. He was pinning me in from behind, taunting with the warmth of his body. I shuddered just slightly, and then melted completely to the feel of him, tilting my head back so I could smile up at him.

"Hey." My eyes were soft, my smile warm and accepting, and I watched the effect it had on Grimm. His eyes, which had originally been slightly aggressive, softened to matching warmth and he slid his lips down to lightly brush mine. It was sweet and simple but, as always, the slightest touch made my body flare up in desire for more.

"I'd meant to come over here and let ya know how irritating it is when ya don't greet me properly, but ya seem to have taken all the wind out of my sails." Grimmjow muttered, lifting his gaze to gesture at the bartender for a drink of his own. My rum and coke slid onto the bar in front of me, and I took a sip as I turned around in Grimm's arms to grin up at him.

"Would I ever do something like that?" I teased, but I couldn't help the mischievous flicker in my eyes that betrayed me. We both knew that I was aware what not saying hello to Grimm properly would cause – slightly irritated, jealous possessiveness. Grimmjow stared down at me sternly for a moment, and then groaned quietly as he leaned down for a kiss that lingered just a little longer than a peck. I leaned back away from him after a moment, tossing a disapproving glance at him as my gaze shot about the room. I wasn't into serious public displays of affection, except for maybe a kiss or two- we were men and I knew it made some people uncomfortable.

Grimmjow had no such issues, no surprise there, and he scowled slightly before pulling away and grabbing his drink from the counter behind me. He set some money down on the bar and snaked a hand down to my lower back out of a habit formed long ago, and I let him guided me back to our circle of friends.

The feeling was exquisite, and haunting. I tossed a look up at him through the side of my eye and saw the strangest combination of warmth and control. The perfect description of my new Grimmjow: controlled, aggressive and passionate. I liked it, and I liked that I was getting to experience a new side of him.

Shinji was laughing loudly at something Starrk had said, sarcasm was clearly a type of humor they had in common, and I relaxed further. I should have known that Shinji would get along well with the guys without any help from me. I pulled away from Grimm's hand, needing more motivation than I'd care to admit, and settled back into my chair. Sipping slowly at my drink and trying to ignore the tightly wound anticipation that was fluttering through me, I focused on trying not to let my eyes keep darting over to look at Grimm and almost didn't notice Shinji turn his attention again to Grimmjow.

"So, yer not quite wha I expect'd."

It wasn't very often that I wished Shinji was any different that himself, but at that particular moment I wished he didn't speak quite so plainly. Grimmjow had never been known for tactful handling of people and, though I guessed he'd developed that skill a bit if he was running a company, I still couldn't help but cringe slightly as I turned to watch his reaction. He tilted his head slightly to the side, intent, but his grin was still in place.

"I'm not surprised strawberry found someone like ya to hang around with." I scowled at the implication that I was predictable, as always, since it was likely the only insinuation that peeved me no matter the context, but Shinji wasn't perturbed. The other guys were chatting idly among themselves, likely to keep it from seeming like a big deal, but I was sure all of them were listening almost as curiously as I was- though maybe with a little less apprehension.

"Someone had ta keep 'im comp'ny." Shinji relied smoothly, neither accusation nor taunt in his voice. Grimmjow still managed to maintain his calm façade, but I could sense the slight tension that tightened the skin around his mouth and eyes at the comment. I was immediately ashamed. I knew Shinji was just testing Grimmjow, baiting him slightly, but I still regretted the pain I might have caused Grimmjow by leaving. The memory of it stung.

I reached over to Grimmjow's closest hand, which was resting on his right knee, and squeezed. It took a moment before the tension evaporated enough that his hand softened to mine, but then he squeezed back slightly.

"As long as strawberry calls ya a friend, I hope ya consider me one too. We might as well get used to each other." Grimmjow replied smoothly, as if there had been no mention of an unsavory past in our relationship. He and I were on the same page, and everything else seemed secondary. I did notice, however, that his grin had a slightly aggressive edge. I squeezed his hand again, hoping he'd understand that I appreciated his attempt at forming a friendship but also warning not to get too possessive. Shinji just watched us speculatively, head tilting curiously with the ever-present grin, and he nodded. After a moment he turning to jump back into a conversation between Nnoitra and Starrk that sounded suspiciously like an argument over how many hours a day was "too much" sleep.

Grimmjow was still giving Shinji an odd look, but when he felt my gaze he turned and lifted our intertwined hands to nip lightly at the pad of my index finger and grin mischievously.

I felt tension slip away, and a rush of warmth take its place. This man was the reason I'd put myself through a lot of pain, sure, but I couldn't have been in that much pain if I hadn't also experienced that much pleasure. And with Grimmjow I'd found that happiness and sadness, pain and pleasure... they all tended to be just different sides of the same coin.

"Why do I feel like I just passed a test?" he purred playfully, reaching with his free hand for his drink and taking a long pull. I took a moment to devour the sight of him, dressed in slacks and a soft sweater that clung to his body subtly, taunting me.

His relaxed posture, as he sat almost slouching in his chair with his long legs stretched out in front of him, hinted at the lazy and methodical tormenting he used to dish out before he would satisfy me. As if he had all the time in the world.

That lazy sensuality had always caused me to melt into him, since it contrasted curiously with the outwardly fiery personality he had. It made me want to strip his out of his clothes, devour the sight of his beautiful body and re-familiarize myself with the once familiar taste and texture of his body.

So much had changed, and yet some things never would. The fiery personality would peek out at times, the flash of heat in his gaze I now associated with lust and possessiveness was also associated with his slight teasing smiles. The lazy sensuality now extended beyond his posture and into his personality, as if he had more control than he had in the past.

I shivered, unable to prevent that thought as it continued until I was wondering about the new and erotic bedroom possibilities, and it didn't escape Grimmjow's notice. He eyed me slowly, his gaze causing more shivers as I almost felt its physical caress, and he leaned over to purr in my ear.

"It looks like ya weren't just taunting me with those text messages earlier."

"I've never been a tease." I responded quietly, attempting to maintain some sort of outward composure. It probably wasn't fooling Grimm, but then again he'd always seen right through me.

"I spent all day wondering, remembering the ways we used to fuck, and yet it felt wrong. Like that old ya wasn't who I wanted any more." His purred deepened, "I like this stronger, determined, older strawberry. Someone who isn't afraid to challenge me, and yet still soothes my soul in a way no one else has. There's something here that wasn't there before."

His voice, so close to my ear, so seductive and vulgar and sweet, made me glad I was sitting down.

"Maybe that's because you don't want to fuck anymore. Maybe now that emotions are on the table it's not the same thing. Maybe you just want me to love you until you're sore all over and can't possibly stand until dawn."

I may have been taunting myself with the images I was suggesting, but I had never backed down from Grimmjow's verbal seductions. We'd always been equal partners in the bedroom and, though he had always been bigger and slightly stronger, I had never lost in a battle of words.

I smiled to myself as I watched his eyes flare with heat before he shut them, leaning away and fidgeting slightly as he leaned over to swallow the rest of his drink. He wasn't conceding defeat, Grimmjow seldom let things slip that easily, but I knew he was playing a game of anticipation. I took a sip of my own drink and turned purposefully to talk to Renji on my right, though I let Grimmjow continue to hold my left hand. On this field I was his match, and so we'd see who held out the longest.

For a while he let me socialize, occasionally jumping into conversation himself when Ikkaku called for his opinion, and it seemed to be turning into an argument. Because of this, it took a while before I noticed that Shinji had leaned over until he was basically inches from Nnoitra while they talked about something. I couldn't hear the subject of conversation, as the bar had increased its number of patrons exponentially in the time we'd been sitting around, and Grimmjow and Ikkaku were loudly trying to drag everyone else into their conversation.

"Seriously, do you remember that time junior year when Grimmjow and I got into a fight? I totally kicked his ass!" Ikkaku was gesturing at Grimm and talking generally to the circle, eyes seeking someone who would agree with him.

"I'm pretty sure that I kicked your scrawny little ass so bad that we didn't talk for a month." Grimmjow grinned threateningly, as if the memory was a happy one, and I raised an eyebrow skeptically. He felt my gaze and turned, planting yet another kiss to the back of my hand that was still entwined with his. "I promise I avoid picking fights with pathetic losers these days."

"But you still pick fights? Don't think I didn't notice the qualifier." I laughed wryly, and Grimmjow just kept grinning. My laugh was quickly drowned out by Ikkaku's outrage, and the conversation bled into another series of arguments about who had done what first. Then it was who had dated that hot, busty orange haired chic in college, and then who won certain games.

"I'm pretty sure Yumichika won that game actually," I finally offered my opinion when I got sick of listening to them argue. "I remember because his Halo character had a really… unique uniform." As a matter of fact, I'm pretty sure he had to have used a cheat to get it quite that flamboyant. Maybe not, but either way it was something that stuck out in my memories. The guys stopped arguing to look at me incredulously, as if I'd committed some sort of great fault by stating my opinion, while Yumichika simply smiled and nodded at me.

"Ah yes, it was quite beautiful. We should play that game again sometime." Shinji and I laughed as everyone else groaned, and then the circle split once again into smaller conversations.

It was all easy- too easy.

Comfortable in a way that seemed foreign.

After resisting for so long, it felt like I was cheating being this content with Grimmjow's touch.

As the bar got livelier and livelier, our group simply stuck to our corner. Grimmjow hadn't let go of my hand except to fetch us more drinks. I could tell that he was feeling the same sort of odd comfort, because every once and a while his hand would tighten around mine, and then he would relax as if he had to force himself to remember that I wasn't running away.

We were anxious, both too excited and too concerned, and as the evening progressed we shared only a few more words. Instead, we talked to the group, laughing and harassing each other as we always had, all the while keeping our hands intertwined. As if that alone could fill the need.

And it could, at least for a little while.

Around nine thirty I started getting antsy, fidgeting a bit more, since I knew that the evening was heading toward the end. Once I noted Starrk passed out in his chair I knew that Grimm and I could leave without getting too much shit for it.

However, Grimmjow seemed to be content letting me fidget, not in any hurry of his own. Shinji was arguing quite animatedly with Nnoitra about something, and it didn't escape my notice that his hands were constantly brushing up against the taller man's shoulders and arms. Curious, I stared openly. When I'd said I had no clue which type Shinji was into, I wasn't kidding- and I could never have pictured him and the irritable dark-haired man hitting it off. And yet, something about the aggressive look in Nnoitra's eyes held a hint of… interest? Fascinating.

I laughed quietly to myself and turned to mention something to Renji, who was already looking at me. I was startled, surprised that I hasn't felt his stare.

"What?"

Renji simply eyed me for a moment, as if he was assessing me, and then turned to stare out the windows with a thoughtful gaze of his own. Grimmjow had just left to go to the bathroom, and rather than follow him I'd decided to let the temptation build. If I had followed him… my body hummed at the thought. Grimm and I both knew what would have happened if I'd gone with him, which was why he'd asked in such an aloof way. His eyes were burning, scorching right through me, but I knew that he was testing my resolve as much as our craving.

So I'd said no, and he'd wandered off alone.

That had been a few minutes ago, but Renji must have watched the exchange.

"You're oddly relaxed tonight," he finally answered my question. "I expected you to look a bit more concerned, more corned and desperate."

"I'm not sure I should be flattered." I responded dryly, but I raised an eyebrow curiously. "You didn't really believe that I was ready."

"It's a hard thing to guess," he sighed, taking a long pull from his drink and keeping his gaze fixed outside. "You said you were, but I can't imagine you turning Grimmjow away even if you hadn't been ready. That pull has always been too strong."

"I have to say, in some sense I agree." I nodded thoughtfully, a wry smile pulling at my lips. "I'm surprised that I can just sit here, touching him even slightly, and yet be able to relax and enjoy him holding my hand. I guess it's been so long since I could just enjoy his presence that it almost seems a shame to waste it."

"Are you wasting it?" Renji asked, glancing over at me pointedly. I glanced around the room, at my friends, and smiled.

"No, I don't think I am."

When Grimmjow came back from the bathroom, he slid quietly up behind my chair. I couldn't see him coming, but I'd felt his presence a split second before his hands slipped onto my shoulders. I leaned my head back to smile at him, and he leaded down to whisper in my ear.

"Are ya ready to go?" With his purr directly in my ear, the hum of it echoed all the way down to my bones. I shivered slightly, and I felt his responding smile at my ear. "Come on, Strawberry, I want ya to see my new home."

It was both a taunt and a sincere request, and the sentiment surprised me- as did my own response. Immediately I could no longer curb my desire to see Grimmjow's new place, I wanted to see where he slept and where he ate, I wanted to immerse myself even more in this newer version of Grimm. But even more pressing, I wanted to carve the memory of me into everything he had there, make it so that every time he looked at the shower or the kitchen he saw echos of me imprinted on his home.

Obviously my possessive streak was still a bit stronger than I'd like to believe.

I looked over at Shinji where he sat, now chatting happily with Starrk since he'd woken up in response to someone pestering him. I glanced over at Renji, whose lips tilted in a slight smile in response. And then I leaned my head back again to stare up at Grimmjow's face, into those azure eyes that had haunted my dreams for the past few years.

And then I smiled, a wide, face-splitting grin that caused a flash of something unnamable to shoot through those dream-worthy eyes.

"Yeah, I'd like that."

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	12. Remission

_**A/N: **_I'm so sorry that this has taken so long! I'm incapable of forcing a story, so I had to wait until I was inspired to write this chapter. That being said, I'm pretty happy with it.

Warning: It's definitely rated M (for smut and language), so don't say I didn't warn you.

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**Chapter 12 – Remission**

_"Yes I know, I can be wrong  
Maybe I'm too headstrong  
Our love is"_

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The bar was only a brief, hazy memory by the time we got downstairs. The city was still buzzing with life, people moving about the streets enjoying their Friday night in the city, but I barely noticed them. Instead, I was only aware of the feel of Grimmjow's hand in mine as he led me to his car. There was a constant dose of awareness shooting up my arm, tingles and tension I couldn't even try to ignore. I found myself staring at the back of his head as he pulled me along for a few blocks, trying to decipher his thoughts. He hadn't turned to look back at me, but his grasp on my hand was surprisingly gentle, as if he was trying not to break me even as he lured me to my inevitable demise.

Or, rather, as he was leading me to the taste of ecstasy I hadn't experienced in what seemed like a life time. Who was I to complain? So I said nothing, following my silent companion as he led us on to the final frontier in our reunion. The last stand, the monumental return to the relationship we had and the simultaneous start of something completely new.

When he led me into a parking garage a few blocks away from Departures, I was still smiling slightly to myself. It was nice, having finally made peace with my attachment to him. It was calming walking with him now, a calm that had seemed so out of reach before, so unattainable. The truth was I didn't want to find myself without him ever again. Which meant no more resisting, no more fighting what felt both so forcefully compelling and completely natural.

I meant sliding into the front seat of his Audi without a word, it meant us both pretending that there weren't sparks and tension flying between us inside that included dark space. It meant resisting the urge to lean across the stick shift to touch his hair, to stroke his jaw. It meant that I never noticed him putting his car in gear, barely registering when we pulled out into the city streets and blended into the hundreds of lights and sounds around us.

It meant that I was completely possessed and consumed by my drug, my guard down and emotions exposed. Here I was, doing the thing I'd been dreaming about for weeks. Hell, for years.

And I couldn't have been any more at peace with my decision.

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When he finally pulled into another parking garage, this one beneath a giant glass apartment complex, I finally pulled myself of my reverie.

"So the mystery man has a home after all." I teased lightly, fully aware that the tension in the car was likely just as heavy to him as it was to me. Fire and lust, with an undertone of something unfamiliar and not altogether unpleasant. I raised an eyebrow at the sign noting that the spot Grimmjow pulled into was reserved for the penthouse suit, and he tossed a trademark grin in my direction. For a second I thought he was going to jump me right there in the car, but when I blinked he was already moving to get out of the car.

I stepped out the car with purpose I had almost forgotten. I was here because I wanted to burn the memory of me into everything he knew, because I wanted to be as inescapable to him as he was to me. Mutual destruction or nothing; it was the only thing I still had control over.

I followed him toward an elevator a few spaces away, smiling to myself as I saw him toss a glance over his shoulder to make sure I was still there.

"Ya look almost smug." Grimmjow pointed out with another grin, "One would think I'm just a conquest you're taking home from the bar."

"Actually I believe you're the one taking me home." I pointed out as I grabbed his hand, pulling him through the elevator doors when it dinged to signal its arrival. Grimmjow's hand tightened on mine for a moment, and he leaned across me to press the button for the top floor. As the doors slid closed he used our linked hand to yank me up against his chest.

"Don't get technical with me." He purred, and his voice seemed to vibrate against my skin. I shivered, and his smile grew predatory. "I've been thinking about takin' ya home ever since your text earlier today. Do ya have any idea how much I want ya?"

"I might have an idea." I slid one of my free hands loosely down his chest, my touch tantalizingly light as it slid across firm muscles through his clothes and stopping as it hit the hemline of his pants. I leaned forward to my lips were pressed again his neck before I added. "Because if it's even half as much as I want you, you might spontaneously combust before I even get you into bed."

"Beds are overrated." Grimmjow growled in response, pulling me even tighter up against him until we were touching almost literally from head to toe. The heat radiating from the firm lines of his body alone set me on fire, but then his lips descended onto mine. The determination in them, their claiming pressure... I was lost, once again falling into the depths of the man who had always been my drug. Hands wrapped around his hair and tugging at his hair, my mind was hazy enough that I almost didn't understand why he'd pulled away until he pulled me after him. I blinked a few times, attempting to collect myself, and realized that he'd pulled me out of the elevator and into a marble entryway. He leaned over to plant another firm kiss on my lips, as if he couldn't resist, before turning to unlock the door.

It was dim, only barely lit by small lights along the top edges of the tall walls that partially illuminated the vaulted ceilings. It took my eyes a few moments to adjust to the dark, but when they did I devoured the scene.

The room we entered was masculine, almost cold, and filled with touches that were so inherently _Grimmjow _that I immediately felt at home. I pulled my hand from his to get a better look around the room. From the front door I could admire the open floor plan that housed a kitchen, large family room and a south wall made completely of floor to ceiling windows. I was drawn to the view even as I registered the marble-countered kitchen and black leather furniture, unable to escape the thrall I'd always felt when I glimpsed the city. Grimmjow's didn't follow me, and for a few moments I just enjoyed the sight of the world carrying on out there without me that I'd been too consumed to notice on our drive.

When I finally did turn back around I noticed Grimmjow standing in the kitchen, sweater already removed and laid on the counter as he poured himself a glass of water from the fridge. The thin material of the tee-shirt he'd been wearing beneath his sweater was more tantalizing than it was concealing, and from my view across the large room I could watch the shadows play in the semi-lit glow of the apartment. He must have felt my eyes on him, because his gaze met mine just as he tipped the glass back to take a drink. I felt myself stir; as always, it was his predatory instincts that made me feel compelled and captivated.

I moved across the room slowly, pulling my own shirt up and over my head and tossing it over onto the couch.

I'd never been shy, and I knew I was a good looking guy, but I couldn't help but feel a little bit of self-consciousness as I felt his eyes devour me. He set his glass down slowly, and I let my lips twist into a slight smile as I got close enough to lean a hip against the counter.

"Nice place you've got here."

Grimmjow raised an eyebrow.

"Ya can't honestly expect me to make small talk, not now that you're openly taunting me."

"I want a tour." I smiled back, acting like just being within a few feet of him and partially undressed didn't make me want to jump forward and touch every part of him. Because it definitely did, and I was trying to maintain some semblance of control. Grimmjow tilted his head slightly, but nodded and turned to gesture at the large room.

"This is pretty much the gist of it, the only other rooms are my bedroom and bathroom." He shrugged, but the flash of his eyes was unmistakable.

"Do you like the idea of getting me into your bedroom Grimmjow?" I purred, sliding forward to brush a hand against his chest. His hand immediately latched onto my hips, yanking me to him and then reaching one hand under my chin to tilt my face up to his.

"I like a great many ideas that involve ya, strawberry, but the bedroom is a good place start." Again, his lips captured mine. Even deeper, more purposeful, and I couldn't have escaped his thrall even if I'd wanted to at that point. Not just that, but his grip on my hips tightened to almost bruising, reminding me that both of us were about out of self-control. When I felt him shift so one of his thighs landed between my legs I pulled back.

"We're not doing this in your kitchen, and if we go any further I won't be stopping." I warned, trying to look serious. He knew as well as I did that doing it in his kitchen would likely be a huge turn on to me, but he didn't say anything as his blue eyes searched my face. I pulled back a bit further, and his hands slipped from me altogether until once again I was just standing there, half-dressed and a few feet away. We were both panting slightly, and I almost smiled as I took a few steps backwards. "It's not very often you have nothing to say."

"To be completely honest, strawberry, I'm afraid that if I say what I'm thinking you'll run away again."

I appreciated his honesty, glad that he wasn't afraid to say what he was thinking, but my smile was instantly wry.

"I guess the only way to make this relationship work is to alleviate our fears." I reached down to unzip my pants, fully aware that my erection was starting to press up against the zipper of my tight jeans. "Grimm, you know what I'm afraid of. I'm afraid of losing myself in you so far that I can't tell the difference between where I end and you begin. Afraid of loving you so much that I can't tell the difference between right and wrong, afraid that I'll be consumed by you. Afraid that you're always going to be my drug, the addiction I can't break." I turned to walk toward his bedroom, feeling the heat of his gaze along my back. "Can you prove that I don't need to be afraid?"

I didn't hear him coming, but one second I was carrying myself on my own two feet and the next I was swept up into a pair of arms and rushed through the doorway. Grimmjow tossed me onto the massive black bed, satin rubbing seductively as he came crashing down on top of me as I lay too stunned to respond. He latched his lips to mine, almost desperately biting and pulling, as he set about stroking the flames of my arousal with his tongue. He slipped his hands to my chest and I arched up beneath him, inadvertently rubbing our erections together where they were still confined in our pants. I groaned, such sweet contact, but Grimmjow didn't seem to notice as his lips moved to my neck, then followed the path his hands had taken. He continued to nibble and bite, kissing and stroking, until he began to play with my nipples. There he paused, turning his head up to look at me.

I was panting, falling apart under the sweet bliss of an overdose on Grimmjow, but his eyes were still full of predatory intention. For a few minutes he just stared at me, his breath brushing against my chest as it came out in puffs, and then he finally spoke.

"Of all the things for ya to be afraid of, I shouldn't be one of them." He stopped, seeming to consider that, and qualified. "Well, ya shouldn't be worried about how I make ya feel. Maybe ya should be worried about what I'll do to ya."

I laughed and yanked his face back up to mine, running my hands through his hair and down to his back. I managed to slip my hands under the hem of his shirt and yanked it over his head, breaking our kiss for a moment and giving me the chance to roll us so that I was sitting on Grimmjow's lower chest. His hands came to rest on my hips as I tossed the shirt across the room, letting my eyes drag across the exposed skin as I followed the same line with my fingers. I leaned forward, lightly brushing my lips against his and whispered.

"I've dreamed about doing this for years. You don't mind, do you?" The question was rhetorical, both because I knew he didn't mind and because I didn't wait for him to answer. I slid back until I was standing at the end of the bed and leaning forward to under his pants, letting my hands linger for a moment on the heat under the zipper, and then I yanked them down his legs. When I disposed of them, Grimmjow sat up to grab the top of my pants too.

"Fair's fair, strawberry. But in your case, I'm not going to do half a job." He pulled me back onto the bed, working a bit to loosen my legs from their tight confines, but he managed to remove my boxers at the same time. Suddenly completely naked and staring at him where he was perched between my knees, I couldn't fight a blush.

"Now there's a surprise," Grimmjow smiled, crawling back over me until he was on holding himself above me on his hands. "Who'd have thought my little strawberry still blushed? It reminds me of those early days, when ya called me depraved every time we had sex." He snorted, leaning forward to rest his lips on my neck as one of his knees shifted between my legs. He moved slightly, getting one hand free enough of his weight so he could slid it down to my upper thigh where he set about tracing mesmerizing patterns.

So near to where I wanted to feel him most, taunting, but not touching.

"Do you remember those first few times Ichigo? Ya were so innocent, since I was your first man. Ya thought I was insane, some of the things we did left ya so scandalized that ya'd try to ignore me the entire next day." His words reminded me of said acts, as he'd intended, and I began to arch up into him in an attempt to get his hand where I wanted it. "Do ya remember the days when I taught ya where to touch, how to act? Do ya remember all the ways I showed ya to drive a man wild?"

"I don't remember," I purred back playfully, panting slightly and looking up at Grimmjow through lidded eyes I was having trouble keeping open, "Why don't you remind me?"

To be fair, I'd asked for it, but I was still surprised when he rolled me sharply onto my stomach, pinning me to the bed. With his whole body weight holding me down and his lips at my ear, I was trapped. At some point he'd managed to remove his underwear too, because his erection was resting against my lower back. I tried to grind back up against him, but his weight held me still. He reached around to grab my hands, pulling them until they were over my head on the bed and he was holding them both in one of his.

"Taunting me to get what ya want?" His voice was hot, and he chuckled as I squirmed beneath him. "I don't think I can call this by anything other than what it is, strawberry. This is a claiming. This is me wanting to drive so deep inside ya that ya can't imagine going a day without having me there." He paused, his voice roughening and dropping an octave, "This is love."

As if I hadn't been burning with desire already, I was officially approaching spontaneous combustion. I squirmed, helpless and near a dangerous level of arousal; my erection trapped beneath me and his trapped between us. I felt his free hand slip down to my hipbone, and he tugged lightly.

"I was ya on your knees strawberry, but first reach those hands up and grab the headboard." I was too aroused to protest, and I found myself holding myself up on the headboard as he propped me up on my knees and spread them apart. I was feeling exposed and aroused, almost to the point of pain, and I told him so.

"I used to see this part of ya on a daily basis," His lips were leaving light, brushing kisses down my spine. "No need to feel ashamed."

Suddenly one of his hands finally reached around to grab a hold of me, and my hips bucked lightly as I groaned in response. His other hand began caressing my behind firmly as he set about driving me beyond reason.

"Ya're so hot and hard," He purred. "I love that ya want me buried inside ya. Your ass is taunting me ya know, spread like this. Ya really do have the sweetest legs and ass."

I shivered, overwhelmed, and the hand that had been stroking me slid down until it was cupping my balls. He rolled them, leaned over to nibble on my ear, and then I felt a wet, probing finger at my ass.

"How much loosening are ya going to need strawberry?" I couldn't answer, distracted by his finger as it traced the edge lightly, occasionally pressing a bit firmer, before he moved to slip the whole digit in. "Ahh, ya must masturbate with this hole, it's so soft. Ya do, huh? Just like I taught ya, years ago."

"Grimmjow, if you keep talking to me like that I'm going to come before you even get around to the fucking." I growled, unable to resist the urge to buck back against him. When his rough laugh was my only response I groaned. "Yes, okay, yes; I masturbate there from time to time. Sometimes when I think of you I have to, because otherwise it's not enough." Though he said nothing I heard his sharp intake of air, and I seized the chance to buck up against him. "Grimmjow, I want to remember what I feels like to actually have you buried inside me. I want something more that the haunting memories I've been getting off to for the last few years. I want more."

The last part was a plea and, just as I knew he would, he pulled his finger out right away. I heard a cap open and close, presumably lube, and I rolled my ass back at him until I managed to rub against his now-slick erection. He couldn't resist.

"Fuck." He growled, "I'd planned to drag this out a bit."

"Want you too much." I groaned, and I felt him lean forward across my back. His body heat hovering over me was sexy enough, but then he bit lightly against the base of my neck and snapped his hips forward, burying himself to the hilt inside me. He didn't move at first, giving me a moment to adjust since my groan came out more pained than pleasured.

"Ya'd better be okay, strawberry, because ya asked for this." His growl reverberated across my neck where his mouth was still resting, and I couldn't help but grin even though I knew he couldn't see it.

"I'm more okay than I've been in years, Grimm."

Teetering on the edge of relapse and recovery, I was lost.

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**_A/N:_** Don't hate me for ending it there. And please review!


	13. Recovery

**_A/N_**: I'm so happy that I was able to write this story out in its completion. When I started I never expected it to turn into such an undertaking- I'd originally planned to stop at the first chapter and make it a song-fic! And then I wrote 12 more chapters, go figure.

(Also, sorry for any confusion with the chapter names- I accidentally got them out of order when I was uploading chapters.)

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**Epilogue: Recovery**

_(Ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma...)  
Madness_

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A strange feeling had settled over me, physically satisfied yet emotionally seeking… more.

We were currently standing in his shower, one surprisingly similar to the glass stall from his old apartment. Grimm had washed me first, taking time to reacquaint himself with all the places on my body he hadn't paused to explore yet it out multiple bouts of sex, and now he was finishing washing himself. I would have volunteered for the job myself but I was too exhausted to be aroused- besides, I was enjoying the unfettered view of Grimm's lean back as he rinsed his face off in the water. From where I stood behind him I could relish in the strong, muscular lines of his shoulders and back, the unbearably sexy curve of his spine...

My gaze lingered there at his lower back, eagerly taking in a part of Grimmjow I hadn't seen in years. That gothic 6 tattoo there was a surprising testament to his character, somehow both rugged and sleek, harshly beautiful in its simplicity. Unable to resist the urge, my fingers reached out to trace its edges slowly, and I felt Grimmjow twitch under my touch. He didn't turn, but I knew he was paying very close attention to my actions. For a moment he said nothing, finishing washing his face, and then he turned the water off and turned around slowly.

"If I wasn't confident that I'd already sated yer appetite completely for the next few hours, I'd think ya were still trying to seduce me." His purr was dangerous, slightly warning, but somehow still warm as I noticed his lips twitch up into his favorite grin. I tilted my head, considering him for a moment, before grabbing the nearest towel and wrapping myself in it as I stepped out of the shower.

"I'd like to think that there's such a thing as sating my appetite for you, Grimm, but I'm not sure I believe that."

"Ya almost sound disappointed." He was still teasing, but there was an underlying intensity that betrayed his real meaning. He wanted to know if it bothered me that I couldn't get enough of him, if it still made me feel like running away. I shrugged casually, but lightened my tone to let him know I wasn't going to let it worry me.

"I like looking at you, I always have, and it would be nice not to feel like jumping your bones every time I indulge in some visual dessert."

His growl followed me back into the bedroom and when I collapsed on the bed, sated to the point of physical exhaustion, Grimm slid onto the bed behind me and pulled me back up against him. I shivered, unable to fight a lazy smile as he wrapped me in his arms and planted soft kisses along the back of my neck.

"Ya make it difficult for me to resist the urge to jump your bones every chance I get too, ya know." He murmured teasingly, and I let out a sleepy laugh. Even too tired to be aroused I could enjoy the feeling of his tightening grip and the whispers of kisses at my ear as he spoke there. "Why are ya even still trying to resist any part of this anymore? I don't want ya to be able to resist me, it wouldn't be fair. I don't want to be the only one craving ya, wanting to hear your laugh or see your smile." He paused, unable to keep the growl out of his voice. "It pisses me off that ya shared those things with other people after ya left me."

For a moment I stopped breathing; I couldn't think of a thing to say to that.

Maybe it had just been what I'd always needed to hear. Maybe I'd just needed proof that it was, in all honestly, about more than sex for both of us.

Some unnamed last piece of resistance crumbled within me, and I took a deep breath.

Sure, he was possessive. Sure, it still scared me how important he was to me. But don't we always fear the things we love the most? For they hold the greatest power over us, the power to destroy us if they're ever taken away.

What use did fighting him even do, when we both wanted each other so badly? If we either suffered apart or learned to live together, battling through possessiveness and jealousy seemed like a small price to pay. I wordlessly slid deeper back into his chest, so that I was seated snuggly up against his front, and closed my eyes. I couldn't think of the words to explain how I was feeling, so I gave into the constant urge for physical closeness instead.

The soft purr of Grimmjow's sated contentment was what put me to sleep.

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The morning light was starting to creep in through the bedroom windows, which were a continuation of the wall of windows from the other room. The south facing wall might not be facing the sunrise, but the skyline was gradually beginning to lighten with the telltale hint of dawn.

I was still curled up in Grimmjow's in bed.

It was useless to fight the primal satisfaction that rolled through me as I felt his warmth at my back, the reminder that he was really here. Or rather, that I was really here. His even breathing was tickling the back of my neck from time to time where he lay behind me, and his arm was tossed almost casually across my chest. Grimmjow never did anything casually when he was awake, his every movement calculated beforehand inside his strategy-driven mind, and it was comforting to know that his subconscious wanted contact with me as much as his conscious mind did. The feeling was mutual.

It was the kind of simple peace I hadn't expected, the kind of peace I thought I'd given up when I'd met Grimmjow, for I hadn't been at peace for a day since I'd left him and I'd been unsettled before even that.

It was… different. Very unlike the memories of the predatory and passionate games we used to play. Instead of taunting and teasing that was about the challenge, the give and take of a game to see who had the real control, last night had been about us. It had been about claiming, as Grimm had said, and about love. I had been out of control, but not because I was drugged, but because I loved him. Because I loved the feel of him and wanted to be burned into every part of his life.

It was more than needing some sort of Grimmjow fix.

Somehow we'd changed, our desperation for each other, once purely physical, had become deeper. The talking, once so unnecessary, was what defined the change. It wasn't about simple physical closeness, it was about the emotional connection that seemed as important as breathing. At once teasing and serious, the conversations made the difference clear. We'd grown up and, during our time apart, it seemed that we learned exactly what we wanted from the other.

Having gone without for so long, we wanted everything that the other could give- and more.

The 'more' part was scary, but it's what reminded me that this wasn't just about my own uncontrollable urge anymore. It wasn't a game or a challenge, a possessive urge or the need to get a fix. It wasn't boredom or curiosity.

It was just… more.

I wasn't sure how that had developed, maybe a piece of it has always been there, but I knew that if I had never left we wouldn't have been here now. That time apart had changed us, just enough that now we truly fit together like some sort of two-piece puzzle. I knew that no one else would have the same effect on me as Grimmjow did, physically or emotionally. I knew that I'd never be gone long enough again that someone else might try to claim him.

Renji had made a comment about how he was concerned that once I got back in I wouldn't be able to get back out, and he was right. But circumstances had changed, my world had shifted, and once again Grimmjow lay at the center.

But this time, it was because I loved him.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

**_Six months later_**

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

"Grimmjow, get your ass out of bed. You've got to go to work." I was standing in the bathroom fixing my tie but, through the corner of my eye, I could still see blue hair peeking out of the top of the sheets.

I'd moved in with Grimmjow a few weeks ago, and he had been acting like a spoiled lover ever since. More than once I'd had to call in sick because he wouldn't let me get out of bed, not for lack of effort on my part.

At least at first, since I did generally have good intentions.

He just happened to has seduction down to an art- he might as well list it on his resume: "Can successfully eliminate all will to do anything other than have sex with me. All day." I scoffed, not entirely as irritated as I should have been.

"Why don't ya working for me again? Then we wouldn't have to get up and go to the office at such ungodly hours. Even better, we could go to the same office." I heard his grumble, and couldn't resist an indulgent smile. This man, my lover, had definitely changed. Never in my life had I ever seen him so exposed, like he wasn't putting on any sort of façade around me anymore at all. The constant challenge in his voice, the predatory game, was now saved exclusively for use in the bedroom. Or the shower. Or the kitchen. Or, my personal favorite, the elevator.

"Because then I'd never go to work at all, you wouldn't let me." I wandered back into the bedroom, ready to go but determined to make sure Grimm was out of bed before I left. I grabbed the top sheet, ripping it from his clutches and tossing it off the bed. "Up!"

"Yer right," Grimmjow purred, apparently unfazed by my wake-up routine as he pulled himself up onto his elbows. "I would put ya to work here, in bed. Or maybe I'd take ya to my office and make ya my personal secretary."

It wasn't the first time he'd made that suggestion, and I highly doubted it would be the last. I couldn't help but rake my eyes down his body, naked as it always was in when he was in bed, and then I turned to stride purposely out of the bedroom in order to avoid being seduced out of work. Again. Grimmjow's chuckle followed me out.

"I will mourn the day when ya get used to seeing me naked," He sounded almost conversational, and for the thousandth time I cursed his nearly immaculate self-control. If I could only manage that poise I might stop blushing every time I was aroused. "I'll miss that rosy flush like a good friend."

I ignored that comment, since he didn't need his ego stroked. I raised my voice to make sure he could hear me in the bedroom, since I'd made it to the kitchen and was grabbing my keys, wallet and the toast I'd made earlier.

"I'll be back around 5, do you want me to make dinner?"

"I'd love that," Grimm's voice made me jump, since I hadn't heard him follow me. When his arms wrapped around me from behind I immediately relaxed into his touch, stiffening slightly for self-preservation when I realized that he was still naked. "I'm going to go take my shower."

"Okay," I smiled, forcing myself to ignore the smooth feel of his skin behind me as I turned my head up for a goodbye kiss. His lips went to the back of my neck first, to the spot where I had gotten a small, gothic six tattoo a few months ago. Since his had always been an object of fascination for me, it really hadn't felt like a strange thing to do. Though it was laughable that I might need some physical brand to tie us together, when I'd so clearly been branded internally. It had been a surprise to Grimm, and he never let an opportunity to kiss it go by.

Secretly I think his possessive half was ridiculously pleased that I'd branded himself into my skin, but I didn't mind. The brand worked both ways.

He moved his lips to mine, unsurprisingly taking what I'd intended to be a simple goodbye kiss a little bit further. His tongue brushed against my lips but, when I didn't open in an attempt to keep it light, he lingered, nibbling my bottom lip and not releasing it until I pulled away. I blinked up at him, dazed momentarily by beautiful blue eyes that often seemed capable of seeing right through me.

I was determined to make it to work so, pulling myself free from my favorite cage, I walked toward the front door. Grimmjow smacked my ass playfully as I walked away and I tossed him a reproving glance over my shoulder. However, right as I was walking out the door I couldn't resist one last cheeky comment.

"You'd better think of me while you're taking your shower."

"I think about ya all the time Strawberry." His eyes softened for a moment, before they flashed with warning. "Now hurry up and get outta here before I drag ya in there with me."

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

Recovery is a relative term. Once I would have described it as an ability to resist that to which you are addicted. But for me, whose addiction had always been more complicated than that, I find redefining the terms is key.

Recovery is about understanding limits, learning how to live and communicate without becoming consumed. Recovery is the ability to function without, sure, but it is more important that you know you _could _leave, if you had to.

And I could, I knew that because I'd done it before.

I carefully planned our gradual relationship steps, moving in after a few months of reacquainting was only part of it. Grimm and I maintaining separate incomes was important, as was knowing different people from our respective jobs so that there was never the threat of complete dependency. We played a game of give and take, finding our balance. I still hung out with Orihime and Tatsuki from time to time, and Shinji was pretty much a member of the group now when all the guys met up at Departures.

Renji had been concerned at first, but he'd settled down after a month or two. Obviously our relationship was different enough this time around that it wasn't cause for serious concern. Rukia had insisted on meeting Grimmjow right away. They were a little too alike to get along in some ways, but she'd approved and had wished me the best before she'd gone back overseas a few months ago.

However it was Shinji in particular that had been excited with the turn of events, mostly because he described me when he'd met me as a mere shadow of the man I was around Grimmjow now. That comment had scared me at first, made me worried that my personal success _was_ too dependent on Grimmjow, and then Starrk had casually mentioned the same thing about Grimmjow.

I should have known; as always, we were in it together.

He was mine, as I was his, and we were tied together by the strongest addiction.

Love.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

**_A/N:_** CHEESY ENDING I KNOW x) Forgive me and my ridiculous muse (who was, ironically, Muse for this story. Baha).

I love all of you that have read this story to the end, I am eternally thankful for the reviews & support.

_Please review!_


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